From: Apple, appleb@thehoneyb.com
To: Honey, honey@thehoneyb.com
Date: Wed, Mar 10, 2010 at 7:12 PM
Subject: Calling in the Exterminator

Hey Honey B. – Mom said you had a blog!

I read your latest post, and I understand completely your plight with the tweezers. I would also like to point out that you have the same problem with scissors. When we lived together (in the pre-Marmot years) I would occasionally leave scissors in the bathroom after trimming my bangs and return to find you trying to ‘self-style’, always with disasterous results.

I will admit though, that I myself have had the same difficulties with the scissors. But rather than my hair it is the hair of Jade, my Golden Retriever.

Many is the time I had meant to snip off just one or two wayward mats only to find myself carried away in the dream of being a cosmetologist. Unfortunately at the end of every “appointment” I realize why I have never gone into the field.

Alas dear sister, it is not our talent.

Poor Jade she looks more like a Poodle without the pom-poms then a beautiful golden retriever with long blond flowing locks.

All I can tell you my dear sister, to assist you in your plight, is to stay strong. Hide the tweezers and scissors in a lock box (they are of the devil, probably something created by a man anyway, like pantyhose), buy a bottle of good cover up for the unsuspecting blemishes (Lancome is wonderful) and if all else fails, like mom says, just have some Prozac for dessert.

Your loving sister,
Apple B.

Ok, so this weekend I was inspired by the girls on Twitter to deal with the hairy takeover of my forehead.

So twenty minutes later, I have two eyebrows that resemble lightning bolts, some unsuspecting blemishes are bleeding, and I’m Googling pore minimizers because I’ve realized I have moon craters on my nose!!

A close-up mirror and a pair of tweezers is a dangerous thing.

And my skin did not do well in its close up interview. I’ve been getting these blemishes that I’m pretty sure stem from my brain. They’re huge, they usually show up right in the middle of my forehead so I look like a cyclops, and if I lean over I can feel a pulse. These suckers are resistant to popping- and don’t lie, you know you do it too.

I’m on the hunt for the ultimate facial exterminator because these pests gotta go. I’m open to anything, any brand or homemade remedy, so long as it doesn’t involve mayonnaise. Any suggestions?

From: Mom, queenb@thehoneyb.com
To: Honey, honey@thehoneyb.com
Date: Sun, Mar 7, 2010 at 10:27 PM
Subject: The Scent of Spring! No, Not the Dryer Sheet…

Oh Honey!!! Running? Are you OK?

Seriously darling, women in our family should not run, we are too big-breasted. It’s painful to do it and it is painful to watch — and if you are running down the sidewalk you will be seen. People look at runners and grade them. We all do it Honey – not just me -and then most share the grade with the person in the car with them…..

I have three grades myself -

#1 “Yep you look great in spandex! I would run too if I looked like that- probably naked though. Now that you have ruined my day you can go home and eat some wheat grass. I myself will be having a double portion of Prozac for dessert tonight.”

#2 “Oh yes, you need to be running! And you should probably be thinking about liposuction also. But I admire your drive and perseverance. I will be praying that you make it home without some sort of a heart episode – way to go.”

#3 “Oh dear…my boobs hurt just watching you…they have yet to engineer a sports bra to handle those dear – just go home and buy a stationary bike. Where is your Mother? She should have told you before you went out in public like that?”

Just sharing the vast amount of knowledge I have acquired over my lifetime. I know you appreciate it…..

Love from your mother,
Queen B.

Ahh yes, spring….you know its spring in the Great Midwest because if you step outside on your back deck, expecting to breathe in the spring air (now that the temperatures are above freezing for the first time in four months)…yes, that big deep breath will not be of fresh spring air….but it will be of thawing dog doo.

Thank you for that Moo. I’ll have your Dad get right on that.

But the good news about spring? My cabin fever has reached such a level that I’m considering going outside to, get this, exercise. I told Marmot we should go out for a power walk, and his mouth fell open. Seriously? Yes, seriously.

I used to run, way back when. I miss it, and really do want to do it again. At one point I did read an article by John Bingham, talking about how penguins run or something like that. I remember laughing. So this guy has a book called Running for Mortals and another called Courage to Start. Both geared for what they term ‘adult-onset athletes’. lol A friend of mine recommended them both, since the ‘running gene’ has been pretty much dormant for awhile. I have earned enough Swagbucks for the Amazon giftcards to cover it, so they are both on their way!

Aside from cabin fever, why the sudden urge to exercise? Well, my Weight Watchers weigh-in demonstrated that I gained a whopping 3.2lbs in one week. Do they give a charm for most weight gained in a week?? Now some of that was water weight due to some mega salt intake the night before, and it being *that* time of the month (seriously, it was the first time I’ve ever not worn my wedding ring- my fingers were like sausages!) so I need to undo that this week.

I’ve got a four day weekend, so I’m going to be blogging and commenting and tweeting to my hearts content! Its been a crazy week, and I’m in need of some blog therapy, I’ve missed you all!

….to another item being crossed off the Baby Bucket List!

In December when the list was first written, we had two credit cards carrying balances of 90%. As of Tuesday, one of them is now down to 39%.

Getting closer, little baby steps getting us closer to baby!!

From: Mom, queenb@thehoneyb.com
To: Honey, honey@thehoneyb.com
Date: Sun, Feb 28, 2010 at 10:22 PM
Subject: Estate Sale Recap

Yes Honey B – that has to be your life long Mantra “Say No to Stuff”. Or you will end up like your Great Aunt Marie. The oldest of twelve children, she lived her whole (single) life hauling and hoarding stuff into the large family home. In the end she died from it. The house caught fire and she could not see her way through the piles of newspapers to get to the little trail that led out. She died of smoke inhalation I think. Personal Note: Your fathers side of the family has some weird ones. 

On that note I thought that I would give you my “5 Rules for Thrift Shop/Rummage Sale/Estate Sale Shopping”. You have to really work at keeping these in mind when you thrift and rummage and estate sale shop… it is just so easy to say “Oh its so cheap, I will just get it.”

Rule #1 – If you don’t say “That is just what I have been looking for…” keep walking. It may be cute, fun, cheap or just plain flashy – but if you haven’t been thinking that you needed one before you walked in, you don’t need one now!

Rule #2 – If you don’t LOVVVVVEEEEEE IT or IT’S PEERRRRFFEECCTTT- don’t take it. Whereas you can return things for a refund from a retail store if you decide that it really is not perfect when you get it on in front of the mirror at home – once you buy it at a sale and it is in your car, it is yours forever. Forever is a VERY long time, but lets leave marriage out of this…

Rule #3 – Something in – Something out! If you come home with a car load of new “stuff” you have to come up with a car load of stuff to take to the Salvation Army within the week. Or you can plan ahead – I like to do it this way: if I can come up with 3 bags of giveaway I can go and shop this weekend at that sale. Your house has only so much room in it and it is probably full already. Anything that requires you to buy more storage totes is not saving you any money and is moving you closer to being your generation’s version of Aunt Marie!

Rule #4 – Have a budget for the day, and don’t go over it! You can overspend easier when it is cheaper for some reason. I think it is the feeling that you are getting so much for your dollar that makes you feel so free to throw those dollars around. Like Gramma Inez use to say “If you watch the pennies, the dollars will take care of themselves.”

Rule #5 – Remember … More is not always better. Just because it is cheap does not mean that you can justify taking home more of it. Just because you can fill a whole bag for $5 does not mean you should. I have spent $10 on a large bag of sale stuff and had nothing that was really worth much …. I could have gotten one good thing of the sale rack at the local department store. Buy one get one free ?? It’s only good if you are standing in Walmart looking at Jockey shorts or running socks, something that you want multiples of anyway. When they say …”here we will throw this in” You should think ….”or you could just throw it away” …. because that is what you will be doing when you get home with your free load of “stuff”!

Well Honey B. that is all the wisdom I can squeeze out of my little head tonight. By the way that Frosted Pumpkin candle was mine …. how did it end up on your list????

Love from your mother,
Queen B.