Do you ever do something that you never in your life thought you’d do?

This thought came after reading Much More than Mommy’s post about IT happening in someone’s driveway. I read the story and thought, I don’t think I could do that. I think I would shit my pants and drive home, the upholstery in my car be damned.

You should never ever think that. Because we all do things that we never think we would do.

The other morning at work I got the same tummy rumblings that MMTM mentions…you know the kind. The three-second-warning kind. The kind where you know that in four seconds, if you’re not in a bathroom you’re going to be looking for a potted plant. So I make a beeline to the nearest bathroom and (thankfully) there was no one else in the other stalls. All is well until I realize there is no toilet paper.

Shit.

So I wait until someone else comes into the bathroom and mercifully takes the stall next to mine. And I made a plea to her as another woman, and asked her to pass me some toilet paper. Which was so awkward that I tweeted about it. So she passes me two squares, and then she was gone. Can I say it again, she gave me TWO. SQUARES. OF TOILET PAPER.

I used the squares, and then I’m sitting there, wondering, Do I wait for someone else to come in here?? Its a quiet bathroom in a remote location- I chose it for exactly that reason!! Do I make a run for another stall, and risk someone walking in the door just in time to witness that?! This is my workplace, I can’t risk it, I already can hardly look my boss in the eyes after the Luggage Incident!!

So finally, I tap into the resourceful girl that my Momma B. raised me to be, and I used the cardboard toilet paper rolls.

And then I flushed them.

Have I ever mentioned how much I appreciate industrial toilets? The cardboard rolls were gone in a flush, and I will be forever grateful.

The whole thing was so surreal, I tweeted about it again.

If you had told me this morning that I’d be using, and then flushing, cardboard rolls in the work bathroom, I’d never have believed you… But I have learned, never say never.

What is the one thing you never ever thought you’d do…but did?

I think dieting could be considered a psychiatric diagnosis.

I’m in the first week of my forty day high-protein low-carb/fat diet.

In other words, all the things I love and live for are off limits. I have morphed from a happy and well-adjusted woman into a raving bitching lunatic.

I won’t deny that there has been some hallucinating after seeing an Olive Garden ad.

And possibly some daydreams about wrapping Marmot’s lower lip up over his head after he ate a huge bowl of homemade chicken and rice in front of me.

Has anyone heard of a woman being convicted of beating her husband with a celery stick?

Four days down, thirty-six to go….God help me…

Marmot is losing his battle with the squirrels in the backyard….they mock his ‘squirrel-proof’ birdfeeder, and he stands in his boxers by the back door with his coffee and curses them. Its pretty funny.

So on the list of things to get once we move into the new house is a squirrel launcher, or something like a Yankee Flipper Bird Feeder in the hope that we won’t have obese squirrels this year. We had heard about them, but it wasn’t until a tour through some You Tube videos that we decided we needed one….check out the one that closed the deal!

Seriously, I was laughing so hard I cackled…

And I promise more hilarity to come….there is an entire genre of baby farting videos on You Tube…lol

Leiah, from a Southern Belle – Trying Not to Rust won the Flip-Floppin Into Summer giveaway!

Thanks all for participating, and stay tuned for a new giveaway coming soon…

From: Mom, queenb@thehoneyb.com
To: Honey, honey@thehoneyb.com
Date: Thu, Apr 08, 2010 at 10:33 AM
Subject: Where is the Rewind Button?!

Honey, Honey, Honey, tell me it is not true! Tell your Mother that you did not really do a fanny-flutter in front of all Las Vegas! And to think I was worried about you on your little trip – I should have been worried about them!

I have just two things to say dearie – well maybe three…..

#1 This is why women have children. You know that t-shirt that says “Blame the dog” well I say blame the baby. “Oh my, baby is so gassy today – she’s cutting teeth (and the cheese) – please excuse the smelly diaper.” “It does smell a little like a Steak Fajitas and refried beans – Gerber has a new line of ethnic baby foods we’re trying out.”

#2 Real Ladies don’t “Fart”. We “Fluff” or “Flutter”- and on the rare occasion that we do Fluff ,we don’t dignify it by acknowledgment. Just go on as if nothing has happened – you didn’t hear anything, you don’t smell anything, and you don’t see anyone reacting as if they just walked into a swarm of angry locusts.

#3 What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas???? Until you come home and type it into a blog Honey! Then it goes out to who knows who – and will probably get back to your grandmother – who will call me and ask if you really did that. I will have to give my “Children these days” speech, listen to her version (which is considerably longer I will have you know), and then trash talk the GI systems of all your fathers side of the family. Good Grief Honey!

I have to go, the red phone from Grandma is ringing …. Dang it!

Love from your Mother,
The Queen B.

Sometimes you do something embarrassing….and you would pay money to go back in time, even just five minutes, and undo it!

When things like that happen, some people just pretend it didn’t happen at all…..I blog about it…

Check out one of my most embarrassing moments, published on Our Mommyhood….

From: Mom, queenb@thehoneyb.com
To: Honey, honey@thehoneyb.com
Date: Tue, Apr 06, 2010 at 08:40 AM
Subject: Sign Me Up Already!

Honey, I want to sign up for the flip flops giveaway but I can’t figure out what I have to do! Its like you’re speaking another language – what is this stuff? Google friend? I’m your Mother for goodness sake, do we have to be friends too! Twitter – Tweet – Swagbugs – Grabbing Blog Buttons?

And what is Feedburn, it sounds like a diet plan. I had better luck understanding you when you were speaking “two year old” – just sign me up for goodness sake.

And I want lots of entries by the way – I think I’ve earned them. One for each hour I was in labor with you. One for every time you bit me when you were breastfeeding. Two for the Sunday morning you told the Pastor that I said the “S-word”. At least three for the time you had projectile vomited onto my new padded office chair. And four for smoking in the barn at thirteen and almost burning it to the ground.

Well, that should do it for now – can’t wait to see what I look like in those cuties!

Love from your Mother,
Queen B.

From: Mom, queenb@thehoneyb.com
To: Honey, honey@thehoneyb.com
Date: Sun, Apr 04, 2010 at 07:03 PM
Subject: Re: Mom, Will You Write for My Blog?

Honey! I can’t write for your blog – I only have two themes that I know anything about.

#1 What Queen B. Thinks about …. (fill in the blank).

*Note: Your father says I have never met an idea, person, or item of clothing I didn’t have an opinion about – I think he might actually be right on this one. But will anyone want to know what the Queen B. thinks about Eating Artichokes or Male Pattern Baldness for instance??

{Here are some suggestions Mom:

*Is Organic Worth It from the Hippie Mama Who Did Cloth Diapers & Buckwheat Pancakes
*Baby Boot Camp: How Not to Lose Your Cool in Walmart with Three Under Four 
*How to be a Good Wife When Your Husband is a Poohead

What do you think??}
Now Honey its not that I don’t love to give my opinion – I do – but I can’t say I’ve have the greatest luck in finding an appreciative audience up till now.

#2 Parental Lecture Series (from 1 to 486)

*Note: These are the old faithfuls that you and your sisters were raised on Honey. I actually would love to put these back into syndication for a new season of re-runs. These are classics! It took years to get the content, timing and grammar down just right and about the time I did, I ran out of children to share them with. Dang! Some of my favorite titles are listed below – I bet they bring back fond memories for you

“Don’t pick it!” Acne, pimples and permanent facial scarring. (Should we go over this one again Honey?? I read your Eyebrows Post.)

“Nerds make the best husbands” You’re going to need more than just a pretty face to wake up to.

“So you want to run away – do you need help packing?” Raising children to leave well.

Will you hurry up and have grandchildren so I can impart all my Child-Rearing Wisdom to you? I’ve got a lecture series I’ve been working on for awhile, its called When Your Grandchildren Turn Out Just Like Your Children: How to Make a Grandmother Smile.

Love from your Mother,
Queen B.

{Please welcome Queen B. as a the first regular contributor here at the Honey B!}

And FYI, Peeps will be on sale tomorrow….woo hoo!

…I’m scared of weight machines…and this would be why…