Dear Honey,

I hate spring! I hate dieting! I hate my thighs! I especially hate magazines that have “24 Bathing suits for every body type” on their cover.

It’s a lie.

Honey, just take note, because this will happen to you – you give everything to your children and eventually you realize that you gave them your figure as well. I didn’t look like this till I had babies – it must be part of the birthing process.

I will start at the top :

Upper Arms -there is no bathing suit that will cover bat wings. My upper arms have morphed into my Grandmothers over the winter.

Chest – They need to start making them so that the cups are about a foot lower, somewhere around the waist band would be good, maybe they could incorporate the two.

Waist – What waist?

Hips – Oh baby, have I got hips. If I had a dollar for every inch I could pay for your “hypothetical babies” college.

Butt – Flat and Flabby – it hangs out the bottom of the suit. I keep having to corral it back into the spandex – not attractive – especially when one side leaves the building and the other side is still intact.
Picture that walking around the pool if you dare!

Thighs – Call the insurance company, we have some major Hail damage going on here! Pock marks – dimples – divots- with the occasional varicose vein to change the scenery. I don’t get straight skin till below my knees.

Feet – Not bad, wish they showed more. One of my best summer features and they are usually under water.

So, unless one of the 24 swim suits look like a Burqa I am out of luck.
I need chocolate, got to go,

Love from your Mother,
Queen B.