As I’ve been thinking on this and reading the comments on my post and my Mom’s, I may be able to explain it more clearly.
So here is why I hate the statement, oh you’ll find out someday.
I’ve been a nurse for nearing a decade (!) and as a nurse, I’ve had quite a few students. They will come with me and observe what I do, help sometimes, they’ll ask questions (some stupid, some not), display their eagerness and ignorance, occasionally annoy the hell out of me, but hopefully learn some of my better habits when they’re with me.
I have been asked some monumentally stupid questions, and some really tough questions- one of my hardest to answer was, how do you get over seeing so much death? I remember the first time I was asked that, I’d been in trauma for a few years and I really had to stop and think. Its really hard to explain that emotional barrier that you put up, over time and a little bit more with each death, protecting yourself as a nurse from emotional burnout, but not so much that you become callous and uncaring. Its incredibly hard to explain because unlike listening to lung sounds, learning to deal with death is not something you do, its something you feel.
But that being said? I still try to explain it.
I feel like I’m an eager student of motherhood. I watch mothers in blogs and real life as they go through motherhood, I watch the decisions they make, ask questions sometimes (including the stupid ones), display my excitement to join the ranks of graduates mothers someday, and try to learn what I can from each mother that I observe. I get to witness epic battles over breastfeeding and Pitocin and car seats, and I learn so much from the debates that ensue.
However, I believe that with being told oh you’ll understand someday, my question is being dismissed by those that I’m learning from. I can’t fathom saying that to a student.
And my Mom is right, there are still topics that are hard to explain- but if you can’t even be bothered to attempt to explain it, why would I want to learn from you?
Comments
Natalie
Dude! Did you just tell your mom “why would I want to learn from you?”. Hahahah. She’s going to beat you up for that one.
Megan
I completely agree with you!!! I also think saying something like “you’ll understand someday” is so loaded. What if you have kids and you STILL don’t get it?? Then you’ll feel judged for NOT understanding, even though no one bothered to try to explain it.
Lil' Woman
Good point….I didn’t even think of people’s responses in those ways. I guess I’ll find out one day what all this hoopla is about. It’ll be the blind leading the blind when I have babies : )
Candice
To an extent, it makes sense. In the “old” days, there was more community and women learned more about being mothers by simply being around other mothers. These days, we’re more isolated. I know I didn’t spend a ton of time with various mothers before I was one (hell, or even now) except for my sister.
That said – you’re responsible for teaching your students. I am not responsible for teaching you about motherhood. Want to watch and learn? Go right ahead. But it can quite possibly be really lengthy and tiring to explain what’s behind the “you’ll understand someday” thing. Some of it is inexplicable – and it can be embarrassing. I adore my son so much that sometimes it’s hard for me to talk about him without crying, something I wouldn’t want to do with a coworker.
It’s like swimming. Can you really explain to someone not in the pool with you how to swim? You can try, but unless they’re in the water, they’re not fully going to understand. You can prep them for it all you can, but when they’re sinking to the bottom and have to figure out on a practical level how to get back to the top, that’s when it all clicks. (And, yeah, I realize I just compared motherhood to drowning. LOL Oops! Not intentional, really… but interesting none-the-less.)
I agree that being dismissive about it – “Oh, it’s hard to explain, you’ll see someday” – is annoying and lazy… but not everyone is sensitive to those things. From my experience, most people don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how other people interpret their words. Also, some women may feel, “Well, I had no help and I had to learn all on my own, so why should I help you?” (There can be a lot of bitterness in parenthood, which I’m sure you’ve noticed.) Is it right? Nope. Is it human nature? Yah.
I think you’re going about this right, though – you’re asking questions and being totally upfront and honest. I think that’s always a good approach.
Samantha
I agree that this is an insensitive way to respond. It’s important that we are sensitive to other people’s feelings, regardless of whether we think they’re “experienced” or not. I feel it’s also a lazy response…why don’t these mothers find a way to describe it and sensitively disclose how wonderful it is with out making a person feel guilty for not having had children yet? As if they’re better or something? Weird.
Anonymous
I don’t think that most of us moms are trying to be dismissive when we say that. I think it truly is something that is almost impossible to define and explain. I tried to explain it somewhat in my comment on your first post (which I don’t see anymore) and the best thing that I can come up with is this.. Think of something you’ve made, or done, that you’re really proud of. Graduating from college. A really delicious meal that you worked really hard to learn to cook. A craft or a gift that you made and gave to someone that they really loved. Something that you accomplished and achieved yourself. Now take the pride that you’ve felt and multiply it beyond anything you can imagine. Watching your child – a child that you created, that you grew, that you gave birth to – learn to crawl, learn to walk, learn something that *you taught them* takes your breath away beyond your wildest dreams. There is something unteachable about the love between a mother and a child; it is something that absolutely must be experienced in order to understand fully. The only way I can describe it is that your child is the embodiment of everything joyous, pure, and true in life and that child is literally a part of your blood in a way that no one else is. When they feel joy, you feel fulfilled. When you make them happy, it makes YOU happy. When you see them succeed, your heart fills with pride. When they feel fright, or pain, or sadness you also feel that because they are a part of you. When you give birth to your child, they take more than a little bit of your heart and soul, and keep it when them always. Their joys are shared by you and that is why I believe people think motherhood is one of the most fulfilling things a woman can achieve. I’m not sure if that explains it any better, but it’s honestly the best I can do. Maybe I just don’t have the words, but that’s the best way I can explain why motherhood is such a fulfilling experience.