Queen B. taught me to share, so I went in today to give blood for Team B Hive. The truth is, I’ll do anything for a cookie. First time blood donor, whole blood, I am the savior of the world – or anyone with O negative bleeding out in the Godforsaken Arctic Tundra. Work up went great – I have a Hemoglobin of 14 so I am definitely not anemic – vital signs are good – and Lord knows I’m fat enough to donate. And they have cookies as a reward? I’m in.
They poke me, I spurt out some blood, and its finally time to have some cookies. But I stand up and whammo, my ears are ringing and I’ve been struck blind. The elderly lady in the chair next to me and the 90lb Chinese lab tech have to drag my fat ass back to the chair and put my head between my knees. They plop a wet napkin over my neck and fan me, while I lay there sweating and groaning.
So after a few minutes I start feeling better, and I get up to head towards the cookies again – and no, I collapse back onto the recliner. My stupid lycra fat sucker inner has risen OVER my gut and is cutting into my diaphragm, I can’t breathe, my arms are numb…those better be some frickin awesome cookies.
I finally fake that I am feeling fine, shove two cookies in my mouth and three in my pocket, and lumber back to my work with no eyesight and my ears ringing in my head. I make it to the break room on the unit and look in the mirror to discover that the water from the wet napkin has mixed with my hairspray, and I now look like I should be in a punk rock band. Not to mention, apparently my mascara is NOT waterproof and has run down my cheeks. I go into the bathroom and because I’m still half blind, I’m unable to figure out how to lock the door. I don’t care, I put one foot in front of the door and start stripping. Think Kramer in Seinfeld, I am whipping off my clothes and tearing off the Lycra. And I’m still so dizzy that once I get my clothes off, I end up laying on the bathroom floor in my bra, just praying that none of my coworkers come in and call a code on me.
I am still dizzy, but go Team B. Hive!!