Look here for Part One and Part Two!

Twenty four hours later we arrived at the hospital– again. And yes, they let me stay even though I was at only three centimeters. “Three centimeters, are you kidding me – THREE!” They assigned us to a room that was the size of a closet somewhere off in Wing Z. I was pretty sure that this was where they left the “no insurance” mothers to labor and deliver on there own. Or, quite possibly, with the help of members of the janitorial staff. I started to cry.

The next twenty four hours were a blur of ice chips and jello. They would come in and check me every few hours and tell me I was going slow, (“Really, really?”) and doing well. But I knew the truth, you were never coming out. I cried some more, and blamed your father.

Just when I thought that all was lost, and I was going to go into Ripley Believe It Or Not as the worlds longest labor, it happened – transition. It was a big contraction, a real winner, and then it didn’t end. It just went right into another, and another, and another. I could barely gather enough breath to scream at your father. “Make it stop! Turn it off! You jack-ass, do something!!!!” He tried giving me ice chips and I backhanded them across the room. He took out the tennis ball to rub my back, and I tore it in two with my teeth. He told me to breathe slowly and I just glared at him. He said later that it was like something out of the movie the Exorcist. When my eyes turned a strange shade of green, and I started hissing through my teeth – off he went for the nurse.

They laid me back on the bed with a few pillows, knees up and spread to check me and to direct the pushing. Grunt, groan, agony. Grunt, groan, agony. Over and over till you finally started moving – just as I felt some forward momentum and possibly crowning the nurse brought in the wheelchair. “WHAT? Are you *%#@- ing kidding me, you want me to get up and get in the chair now?” Yep, that was the plan. Into the chair and then a short ride to the delivery room, where I had to climb into a birthing chair that I had never seen and didn’t know how to use. By the time I was situated the doctor had appeared on the scene with twenty three students, four interns, a half dozen residents, and the homeless guy from the corner. They were three deep in places – it was like a home football game – they needed bleachers.

“This won’t hurt..” Never trust a doctor who says that, it is a lie from the pit of hell. Snip, snip, and I had an episiotomy. Grunting, groaning, and agony for a few minutes and then that devil pulled out the Vacuum Extractor! I guess things were not moving along fast enough for him. It looked like a small plunger attached to a vacuum hose. And yep, you guessed it, they stuck it up my hoo-haa and attached it to your head. Then they started pulling —– Aghhhh —— I screamed. It was like someone was pulling my intestines out with their bare hands. The doctor (sick sadist bastard) was on some sort of power trip and quickly told me “No need for that now (meaning the scream)…” as he pulled again. Completely full to the brim with anger, I gave one final push I birthed you and a hemorrhoid the size and color of a plum.

Your APGAR was eight – and I only had a slight panic attack when I had another contraction to deliver the placenta – “Twins?” The intern that was set to catch it assured me labor was not starting again! Praise God! “Are we done?” I asked as they wrapped you in a blanket and set you in my arms. “All done but the sewing… “ and so it went on for another twenty minutes – stabbing and pulling.

The intern that sewed me up forgot to remove the Vag-pack (a round pack of gauze the size of my fist) , I managed to deliver that the next day through my stitches. That was fun! You nursed like a trooper, pooped on schedule, and three days later we got to go home. And that my darling Honey, is your birth story.

Love from your Mother,

Queen B.

So up to the time that I married Marmot, avoidance of pregnancy was a big deal. Uber-religious families, sneaky living arrangements, it all played into and IUD and pretty much always double-rainjackets, if you know what I mean.

{Side Note: I thought we were hiding the living arrangements fairly well from Queen B. because she lived on a different flipping continent, but she knew and she and my Dad messed with me, pretending they didn’t know but doing little things to wig me out- I know, how evil right? Totally going to get the cheap nursing home now.}

I was 25 when I got married, and had always planned on finishing school and all before I had kids. And being perfectly honest, I was pretty much anti-kids. {I referred to them as snot-nosed terrorists. Charming, I know.} Holding babies made me nervous, and I never thought they were as cute as anyone else did. I loved my job and wanted to do a career before kids. So during our kids talks before we got married, I always told Marmot that I was thinking maybe starting having kids when we’ve been married four or five years if at all. He would agree with me, smiling, and say maybe three years.

Fast forward to our honeymoon. All of a sudden I realize that it is totally okay for me to get pregnant. No shame! I remember this epiphany, we were in our hotel room in Mexico, Marmot was in bed recovering from Montezuma’s reign of Mexican buffet terror. He did convince me to wait to consider trying until he recovered and we got home from our honeymoon, and later conversations convinced me that waiting a year was a good idea, and maybe we should keep track of these things we want to do, and call it a Baby Bucket List! And thus the Honey B. blog was born.

But anyway, you’re probably wondering where I’m going with this. Remember the snot-nosed terrorist thing? I think I might be back there. During the baby fever that I’ve had over the past three years, I never said that. I awwwed over toddlers with pigtails, and would look at baby clothes every time I was in TJ Maxx. I thought about how I would decorate the little guest room as a nursery, and should I even bother doing it as a guestroom? We even tried to get pregnant for a few months.

But now, I have absolutely no baby fever at all. Instead I have the eerily familiar irritation of children at Target. Narrowed eyes looking for the screamer that was near my gate as I was getting ready to board a flight last month. The complete bypass of the baby section at TJ Maxx. This is the me that considered never having children. Because I really am thinking about what a childfree-by-choice life would be like.

I’m back to baseline. And I’m not sure what to do about it, because Marmot is ready. And here I am, thinking that not having kids really makes sense on a lot of levels. *gulp*

Today? I am happy I don’t have children. I’m not sure why today as opposed to all others, but I am very very glad.

Last weekend I started thinking about how life would be if I was still in school when we have a baby, and I just about started seeing spots. I know it can be done- my mentor says you just get very efficient- but for some reason, this week,  it just about panics me. I feel like I have such a tenuous grip on my sanity as it is, so much to do that I can’t possibly get done as it is!

All of this is circumstantial- I’m in my last nursing class for school, Marmot has two more classes left- we’ve been in school for a solid year and a half, no breaks! The climate at work has gone from the usual chaos to unbelievable. And we’ve got some big house projects coming up. I know things will be better in a month, but right now we have the perfect storm for a mental break.

And we’ve all heard it, there is never the perfect time to have a baby. But I think I’m illustrating why you shouldn’t wait TOO long to have kids, because once you get smart enough to know what all goes into having and raising a child, you’re much less likely to be able to see times as anything but a good time!

I wrote the title of this post, and then started giggled and then cracking myself up some more by saying ‘not a good time to be feeling groovy’. Marmot thinks I’m an idiot by the way. The movie It’s Complicated? One of my all time favorites!

But things being complicated- but wow, things are really complicated right now! Not in a relationship sense like the movie- I mean in the whole life change sense. We’re trying to have a baby. The thought that a BABY is even a possibility is pretty cool, but I’m not too worried about the baby side of things right now. That will come in time I’m sure, but my life side of things? Oh wow.

Bottom line: I’m not even pregnant yet and I think nesting has struck.

Suddenly I’m cleaning out the spare bedroom and the basement with a vengeance, de-crapifying my house.  The back of Marmot’s truck and Goodwill don’t know what’s hit them. I want everything in our house streamlined. Decluttered. Nothing extra, and everything organized. EVERYTHING! And the Container Store motto has become mine: life IS more fun when you’re organized. Its even hit my office at work- I literally emptied my file cabinet onto my desk. It was a great idea in theory, but now I’m behind on work because I’m trying to find my desk!

During this time of life, one would think my mind would be filled with things like ”When would be the best time to test?’, or “Have I taken my prenatal vitamin today?”

But no. Whats on my mind is, “Why don’t have the dogs have matching collars?!’ {And no, I’m not joking, I actually said that outloud} ‘Why do we have so many flipping DVD’s, they get SO dusty?!’ and Marmot’s personal favorite, ‘Why don’t we have a TV on the wall, instead of a TV on a table that is SO much more awkward?! We could have a bigger TV on the wall, then I wouldn’t have to vacuum dog hair up off this one!!’

I am on a mission to organize my life. What has come over me?!

Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

Something we wanted to try in 2010 was to have a baby! But that is probably not at ALL what they had in mind with this question. But regardless, we decided to wait until a few more items were crossed off the Baby Bucket List, so now we’re crossing our fingers that 2011 is the year! Although the responsibility hits me every once in awhile…at one point during our two week wait, I emailed Marmot to say “The enormity of what we have done, and the reality that it cannot be undone, is weighing on my mind today” to which he replied “Geez, its not like we robbed a bank!” lol

Dear Honey,

This is your Mother speaking. just have to say it – I read this post and understood approximately 20% – is this some sort of code I don’t know about. (My older paranoid side is wondering if this is some way you under thirty ladies talk so that anyone over 50 won’t have a chance in he*# of knowing what you are saying!) I have three questions:

#1 What a Circle-Blooming MP3 is? And what does it have to do with getting pregnant?

#2 Why are you charting your temperature? I thought all of that was over when you stop trying NOT to get pregnant?

#3 Now you are on CD2 – tell me you are putting this all on CD and sharing it with the friends, doctor, blog family!!! Trust me on this dear – Nobody wants to know that much about how you “get the job done”- lets just keep the CD’s between us – OK dear??

Really Honey, you have spent more time studying – reading – and researching pregnancy than anyone on the planet. If you would put pen to paper and write a quick thesis, you could have a PHD in “Pre- Pregnancy”. Can you at least get a Masters in “Pre-Natal Vitamins” out of this?

My advice, because I know you want it…..it is such a joy to have a daughter who values her Mothers opinion on all matters – thank you darling – I even remember one time you asked – lovely girl….. so here is some more. Just get to it. People have been doing this for thousands of years with far less study and come out with phenomenal results – look at you darling – a surprise of the most wonderful kind!

Love from your Mother,

Queen B.

So now that we’ve officially called off the goalie…anxiety is in full swing!

One of my biggest fears about actually starting to try to get pregnant is not being able to. The blogosphere seems to be Mommies, and Those Who Want to Be…and admittedly, the infertility aspect scares me to death.

I was diagnosed at 16 with endometriosis, and have had two surgeries to take down adhesions. As optimistic as I usually am, I still hear that voice in the back of my head that says, Who says you can even get pregnant? Because you’ve had doctors say that its going to be tough! And while I always worry that I’ll end up wanting to quit school and not finish my graduate work once I have a baby, it scares me even more to think about getting done with school and not being able to have kids.

My apologies to those struggling with infertility, because my intent is not to be hurtful. I just worry! And although I won’t worry about this once I see two lines, I will move onto worrying about a baby. And when I’m handed my newborn, I’ll start a whole new set of worries… *sigh*

How ironic is it that getting pregnant, being pregnant, becoming a Mom, are some of the the BIGGEST worry times of your life…but the happy pills you can take are not recommended for pregnancy?!?! lol

****This contest is closed, congratulations to Kaitlin @ahmymarriedlife on winning!****

In celebration of Calling Off the Goalie, I decided it is high-time to have a giveaway!

So I was reading the One Hot Mama blog, and she was talking about all her favorite baby products…one of the recommendations was a Kalencom diaper bag. I investigated further, and was thrilled with what I found- specifically the Eleanor collection. I love the bright colors, the funky animals, and the bag seems to be laid out well for baby stuff. (I don’t have baby experience, but I haul around a laptop, portfolio, makeup kit, hairbrush, lint roller, and all manner of purse miscellaneous in my work bag, which has to count for something in bag evaluation, right??) And Marmot was impressed with how not-girly they were, and the fact that he’s willing to carry one of them says a lot for the male likeability factor!

And so my dear readers, you have the chance to win one of these awesome diaper bags! Specifically, the Toucan pattern bag in the bright greens and blues that I love so much.

How to Win:

• Be (or become) a follower of @thehoneyb on Twitter!
• Post the following on Twitter: I want to win the funky Kalencom diaper bag #giveaway from @thehoneyb http://bit.ly/bfJ91r Please RT!
• Leave me a comment with the link to your tweet.
• You can tweet daily.
• And that’s it!

This contest will extend until midnight CST on December 5th, 2010 or until I hit 1000 Twitter followers, whichever happens first! Happy Thanksgiving, and good luck!

This giveaway is entirely because I like the bags, I was not asked to promote Kalencom diaper bags nor was I compensated for the review…but I will try harder to arrange that next time!

This whole Baby Bucket List has been a long process, and some days I thought that if we waited until these things were done (hell, half done) we would never have children. So now imagine my surprise at realizing, we’re just about there. And not even just about there, but we’re like in the stages of I didn’t buy wine and I’m drinking my Fertilitea because we’re that close. THAT CLOSE!

And then I think…is this really the right time, are we doing the right thing? Oh the second guessing!

But its been good for Marmot and I as a couple, we’ve not felt rushed or pressured, this has been a decision we’ve come to in our own time. We sat across the table from each other at a beautiful restaurant last week, and decided that we’re ready for this journey to begin.

Off the ice!

So we’re going to do it. We’re calling off the goalie.

So the potential plan of TTC in December or January has put me into a little bit of a babies-rabies/panic/overdrive. And like every good Type A planning freak, as soon as I felt the need to research and obsess, I went to Amazon. And here’s what I’ve found so far:

I just finished The Big Book of Birth, and I was impressed. Like way impressed. I had anticipated some hostility towards one side or the other, but this was very objective, written very fairly. Furthermore, the writing was done in the most friendly and non-intimidating way possible. I assumed that as a nurse (that did quite well in OB actually) that I’d prefer a more textbook tone in birth books. Way wrong! And she was funny too. After reading the book, I felt like I had been able to dispel a lot of the fear I’ve always had about labor and birth, and I’m actually starting to look forward to it, if thats possible? I don’t think I could recommend this book any higher.

Earlier this year, I went through Naturally Knocked Up’s fertility e-course, another pre-pregnancy recommendation that was quite simply, excellent. I am my (crunchy) Mother’s daughter, and I really wanted to learn about getting my body ready, beyond the What to Expect Before You’re Expecting book which is much like its predecessor, and had me worrying a lot about pretty much everything. The course was laid out nicely, the topics were excellent, it had a forum for participants to discuss the week’s content, and worksheets, links, and resources on each weeks topic. Look into it!

Prenatal vitamins are quite the racket. I spent no less than five hours researching the best prenatal vitamins that met the recommendations for what the vitamin provides, and also spent at least an hour researching DHA supplements (which apparently will turn your child into a genius). The vitamins that were prenatal and DHA didn’t have quite the recommended amounts of either, one of the better prenatals had concerns about the use of bean sprouts, the next best required taking two pills three times a day (gag) and the ones I’ve been taking for the past year expire in three weeks. And just in case anyone reading is in the market, the verdict of all my research is: Rainbow Light Prenatal One vitamins and Expecta Lipil non-fish DHA supplements. And the Bellybar chewable prenatals although I find chewable aftertaste to be slightly gack, nothing like Flintstones.

I’ve got a few more books in my Amazon cart, and another few stashed on my Kindle: the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy and the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.

Are there any you would recommend land in my Amazon cart?