Posts Filed Under dieting

QB: So, speaking of shit we shouldn’t have bought – lets talk about memberships.

HB: Or as we like to call them, Our Philanthropic Endeavors, supporting skinny people everywhere.

QB: You know me, I can’t pass up a deal. When your father started his job nine years ago, they gave discount memberships to the Healthy Living Center. Normally I wouldn’t ever admit this, but they send a yearly update as to how you’re doing. Turns out I’ve gone one time per year, for nine years running.

HB: So the tag on your car for the Healthy Living Center parking lot – thats really just for show.

QB: Well I am supportive. I go in once a year, do a lap around all the workout equipment, get a massage, and then leave.

HB: Its like the politician visiting the homeless shelter every year. Thumbs up in the air – great job everybody, keep up the good work! Nice Mom.

QB: Yeah well, how is that Y membership working out for you?

HB: Great! I go every month for cycle class, so I’m not really sure why that is relevant to this conversation.

QB: You don’t go every month, you go once a month. Once a month. Which means the one cycle class you go to a month is costing $45, per class.

HB: Interesting. Shall we calculate how much you’ve spent on Weight Watchers online memberships?

QB: My brain seizes up from lack of sugar and carbohydrates, and then I can’t remember my password.

HB: But they remember your credit card number.

QB: I’m so enthusiastic about signing up because I’m focused – on looking like Cindy Crawford – that the discount on paying ahead for 3 months online is just too good of a deal to pass up. In fact if you consider how much money I’ve saved by doing this over the years, it really adds up to a lot of money. Its hundreds, maybe even thousands.

HB: But Mom, you still weigh the same.

Random picture found on the Internet – any resemblance to my kitchen and QB’s favorite snack is totally coincidental.

QB: Actually I weigh more, but that is beside the point – tell me about Extreme Bodyshaping, dearest daughter.

HB: The grown-up-fat-lady version of the walk of shame. It was just bad timing, my first term of grad school and a high stress job.

QB: Five in the morning is always bad timing – thats not just the crack of dawn, its the buttcrack of dawn. And six days a week – really? Who does that??

HB: Well I did! For two days.

QB: Well $400 isn’t that much anyway sweetie, I’ve paid more than that for Weight Watchers styrofoam packaged as granola bars.

HB: When I was hobbling to my car after my second 5am workout, I would have paid an additional $400 just to not have to ever go again.

QB: Bummer about that return policy.

HB: Jackasses. Preying on chubby girls with an inflated sense of their own fitness. But that $400 was nothing compared to the therapy I required after the unfortunate issue of mistaken identity.

QB: What are you talking about, mistaken identity?

HB: I was just trying to make myself feel better during the warmup, I decided to pick out someone in the class that was fatter than me. Well I spotted her. She was across the room from me, already sweating like a pig and we were only five minutes into the 55 minute class. I totally felt better – until I realized she was wearing a 2008 Old Navy tshirt, same as me. And the yoga pants with green waistband, same as me. In fact she had the same nose ring too. And earrings. I realized holy frick, I was looking at myself in the mirror!

QB: Oh Honey, its ok. I’ll take you to Walmart and we can look at some really fat people.

HB: And we can pick up some cookies.

QB: Good idea, get in the car!

{And we wonder why we’re fat…}

 

I don’t know about you all- but for Queen B. and I, it is now that time of year again. The moment when we wake up from our Christmas-sugar-cookie-induced comas and realize that we’re fat asses. It usually comes up in a discussion a few days after Christmas, sitting at Mom’s kitchen table, eating the remains of the Christmas baking frenzy. We start the discussion with a review of past diet disasters, ending with a decision on which way to go this year.

We realized this year that between the two of us, we’ve been on every diet known to man. So as a public service, we are going to share our vast knowledge in order to help you decide which diet to do for 2012.

Atkins

HB: Well that is the diet of cheese, and I love cheese.

QB: Except that cheese binds you up, and you only lose weight when you poop.

HB: Yeah, and its a doozy when you do. Like make sure you’re at home, its going to be a three-flush incident.

QB: Oh no, you can’t poop at a friend’s house when you’re on Atkins. If you’re going to clog a toilet, you want to do that at home. In fact you should just carry the plunger with you every time you go to the bathroom, just to be safe.

HB: But on the plus side, its all-you-can-eat bacon.

QB: But after a couple tries on Atkins, you can burn out on bacon. Heed my warning, because I’m off bacon until at least 2014.

HB: And don’t forget the carb withdrawals, I wanted bread so bad that I would have eaten cardboard if it was dipped in sugar.

QB: But remember the sugar-free gum? I ate three packs of it in a day and had a bowel malfunction.

 

Weight Watchers

QB: Oh yes, this is my personal favorite.

HB: Until you go to the meeting, and someone gets a lifetime award for losing 12lbs.

QB: Anybody can lose 12lbs. I had a 12lb bowel movement on Atkins once.

HB: Well I’m still paying the monthly fee that I signed up for last year if you want to go again this year.

QB: Why do you have to pay even if you don’t lose weight? There should be a money-back guarantee. If you gain weight, they give you the judge-y face.

HB: Oh yeah, that time you gained 8lbs in a week. Judgmental bitches.

QB: It was fruit! They did NOT say that fruit in syrup is not actually fruit. I had 14 cans of peaches in heavy syrup, and drank the syrup. I was being healthy!

HB: Well I can’t afford to go anymore unless they start giving credit for buying crap. I have the measuring cups, scales, cookbooks, granola bars the size of postage stamps, water jugs. I have an entire Weight Watchers room in the basement.

 

Grapefruit and Cabbage Diet

HB: Did you know if you eat too much grapefruit, that the acid will burn your bum hole when you poop?

QB: That’s if you poop. When I tried it the gas got so bad from the cabbage, I was afraid to bend over and risk shooting grapefruit seeds out my ass like a machine gun.

HB: And the canker sores from the acid, its no joke. I had canker face.

QB: I didn’t want to say it then Honey, but you looked like a walking herpes outbreak.

 

Nutrisystem

HB: I looked at the food online once, and have been psycho called by their customer service department for a year and a half.

QB: That food isn’t even real. I had one of their ho-ho’s, which I think was actually plastic.

HB: Oh Mother, that’s because you were binge-eating next weeks food in the middle of the night and ate the ho-ho with the wrapper still on it.

QB: Is that what that was?

 

Alli

QB: I can’t afford Alli, unless we’re going to cover all the furniture with plastic. Last time you did Alli, I had to buy a new office chair.

HB: Ohhhhh, the office chair. Well my thinking was, if taking one Alli pill was good, taking two is better right? And I had gas….. But it wasn’t gas.

QB: Yeah think again. You ruined my office chair! You were popping Alli like candy, ripped one, and next thing you know we were dropping the office chair off in a midnight Goodwill stealth donation.

HB: The best part about Alli is going off of it, you can once again fart confidently.

 

HCG Diet

HB: The only good thing about that diet is the loading days where you eat yourself sick, on purpose.

QB: Five hundred calories a day is insanity! I can pick that many calories out of my teeth after a meal.

HB: That was the diet that you called me crying from the couch because you couldn’t eat anything and all the joy had been sucked out of your life.

QB: Speaking of sucking, we should do liposuction.

HB: Remember that liposuction cream that I had an allergic reaction to?

QB: That was Preparation H.

 

So this years decision is……..drumroll please……..we’re going all-organic. Stay tuned.

posted on January 5, 2012 in dieting, food, queen b.

Dear Girl Scouts-

First of all, I want you to know that I support the Girl Scouts 100%, absolutely. I was never a Girl Scout myself but I’m all about Girl Power, and building good character, and cookies.

About the cookies. We need to talk. See, I know that my house is on the Cookie List. With the red triangle next to the address, which according to the legend at the bottom of the page means ‘Pudgy Lady Who Loves Cookies, Easy Sell!’. But here is the deal, I’m running out of money. I’ve spent $60 on Girl Scout cookies in the last week and a half, and the doorbell keeps ringing!

And Marmot is no help at all, because you know he falls for it every time. I had him answer the door last time I saw Girl Scouts running around the neighborhood, and he came into the sunroom asking me for a $21 check for the little girl at the door. I know he’s on your list as ‘Total Softie Married to the Pudgy Lady Who Loves Cookies’.

I’m weak Girls! I’m dieting, and my resolve fails at the mere mention of Trefoils, the nutty flavor of shortbread melting in my mouth, the crunch of Thin Mints on ice cream…

So please Girls, for the love of fat pants- take me off your list.

Regretfully,

The Pudgy Lady on 6th Street

posted on February 15, 2011 in dieting, food, marmot, me

Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I think I’m scared to lose weight. Losing weight requires me to deal with whatever issues I have that are preventing me from just eating only when I’m hungry, and eating less when I am. Issues are icky, I’d rather ignore them and cover them up with carbohydrates.

But honestly? I’m not sure I’ll do it this year either. I’d love to say oh of course I will- but we’ve seen that blog post everywhere. I’m not sure that its going to be on my blog this year.

posted on December 20, 2010 in dieting, reverb10

Dear Honey,

I’m glad you’re dieting, Good luck with that. I however have given myself over to fatness almost entirely, and here’s why:

* Anything good for you is over $2 a pound – fruit, veggies, etc. If it is processed to within an inch of its life, and the majority of the ingredients are chemicals, it’s affordable. Example: Little Debbie’s Snack Cakes. All that processed sugar and lard for only a dollar.

* Diet goodies cost more per pound than silver bullion – I bought a five dollar box of Weight Watcher bars at last weeks meeting and realized when I got them home there are only 4 in a box – and the bars have shrunk. They only fill half the package anymore – so I ate the packaging and the box. More fiber means less points, right?

* The only thing that gives me the same thrill as eating cheesecake or chocolate is shopping. Shoes and purses are great, but jewelery and high end electronics are even better.

* I feel the need to reward myself constantly. Lost a half ounce today – new shoes. Lose a full pound tomorrow – new car. Between the cost of meetings, branded snacks, new clothes, rewards and replacement therapy shopping, I can’t afford to diet.

So thats my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Love from your Fluffy Mother,
Queen B.

posted on April 28, 2010 in dieting, queen b.

Dear Honey,

I hate spring! I hate dieting! I hate my thighs! I especially hate magazines that have “24 Bathing suits for every body type” on their cover.

It’s a lie.

Honey, just take note, because this will happen to you – you give everything to your children and eventually you realize that you gave them your figure as well. I didn’t look like this till I had babies – it must be part of the birthing process.

I will start at the top :

Upper Arms -there is no bathing suit that will cover bat wings. My upper arms have morphed into my Grandmothers over the winter.

Chest – They need to start making them so that the cups are about a foot lower, somewhere around the waist band would be good, maybe they could incorporate the two.

Waist – What waist?

Hips – Oh baby, have I got hips. If I had a dollar for every inch I could pay for your “hypothetical babies” college.

Butt – Flat and Flabby – it hangs out the bottom of the suit. I keep having to corral it back into the spandex – not attractive – especially when one side leaves the building and the other side is still intact.
Picture that walking around the pool if you dare!

Thighs – Call the insurance company, we have some major Hail damage going on here! Pock marks – dimples – divots- with the occasional varicose vein to change the scenery. I don’t get straight skin till below my knees.

Feet – Not bad, wish they showed more. One of my best summer features and they are usually under water.

So, unless one of the 24 swim suits look like a Burqa I am out of luck.
I need chocolate, got to go,

Love from your Mother,
Queen B.

posted on April 16, 2010 in dieting, queen b.

I think dieting could be considered a psychiatric diagnosis.

I’m in the first week of my forty day high-protein low-carb/fat diet.

In other words, all the things I love and live for are off limits. I have morphed from a happy and well-adjusted woman into a raving bitching lunatic.
Someone should have warned Marmot.
And probably my boss too.

I won’t deny that there has been some hallucinating after seeing an Olive Garden ad.

And possibly some daydreams about wrapping Marmot’s lower lip up over his head after he ate a huge bowl of homemade chicken and rice in front of me.

Has anyone heard of a woman being convicted of beating her husband with a celery stick?

Four days down, thirty-six to go….God help me…

posted on April 12, 2010 in dieting
by Honey B.
with 0 Comments

I know that I have some readers who have never had to diet in their lives. But some of you are long-term dieters. You know the drill. You’ve lived through the grapefruit diet and have the abhorrence of citrus juice to prove it. You have the stretch marks from the fat days, and that one pair of jeans you cling to from the skinny days. You have pictures that make you marvel my god I had cheekbones? and pictures that make you want to heave as you think damn, I have a fat roll there?

So my thoughts may be familiar to you. That stunning kneejerk reaction of revulsion at your body when you’ve hit a new level of fat that you don’t remember having before. Not just the general I need to lose some weight thought, but the OH MY GOD moment when you realize you have a belly roll that touches your thigh when you sit down.

I have had one of these moments. Dieting will commence shortly. Stay tuned.

posted on January 14, 2010 in dieting, food