Posts Filed Under fitness

QB: So, speaking of shit we shouldn’t have bought – lets talk about memberships.

HB: Or as we like to call them, Our Philanthropic Endeavors, supporting skinny people everywhere.

QB: You know me, I can’t pass up a deal. When your father started his job nine years ago, they gave discount memberships to the Healthy Living Center. Normally I wouldn’t ever admit this, but they send a yearly update as to how you’re doing. Turns out I’ve gone one time per year, for nine years running.

HB: So the tag on your car for the Healthy Living Center parking lot – thats really just for show.

QB: Well I am supportive. I go in once a year, do a lap around all the workout equipment, get a massage, and then leave.

HB: Its like the politician visiting the homeless shelter every year. Thumbs up in the air – great job everybody, keep up the good work! Nice Mom.

QB: Yeah well, how is that Y membership working out for you?

HB: Great! I go every month for cycle class, so I’m not really sure why that is relevant to this conversation.

QB: You don’t go every month, you go once a month. Once a month. Which means the one cycle class you go to a month is costing $45, per class.

HB: Interesting. Shall we calculate how much you’ve spent on Weight Watchers online memberships?

QB: My brain seizes up from lack of sugar and carbohydrates, and then I can’t remember my password.

HB: But they remember your credit card number.

QB: I’m so enthusiastic about signing up because I’m focused – on looking like Cindy Crawford – that the discount on paying ahead for 3 months online is just too good of a deal to pass up. In fact if you consider how much money I’ve saved by doing this over the years, it really adds up to a lot of money. Its hundreds, maybe even thousands.

HB: But Mom, you still weigh the same.

Random picture found on the Internet – any resemblance to my kitchen and QB’s favorite snack is totally coincidental.

QB: Actually I weigh more, but that is beside the point – tell me about Extreme Bodyshaping, dearest daughter.

HB: The grown-up-fat-lady version of the walk of shame. It was just bad timing, my first term of grad school and a high stress job.

QB: Five in the morning is always bad timing – thats not just the crack of dawn, its the buttcrack of dawn. And six days a week – really? Who does that??

HB: Well I did! For two days.

QB: Well $400 isn’t that much anyway sweetie, I’ve paid more than that for Weight Watchers styrofoam packaged as granola bars.

HB: When I was hobbling to my car after my second 5am workout, I would have paid an additional $400 just to not have to ever go again.

QB: Bummer about that return policy.

HB: Jackasses. Preying on chubby girls with an inflated sense of their own fitness. But that $400 was nothing compared to the therapy I required after the unfortunate issue of mistaken identity.

QB: What are you talking about, mistaken identity?

HB: I was just trying to make myself feel better during the warmup, I decided to pick out someone in the class that was fatter than me. Well I spotted her. She was across the room from me, already sweating like a pig and we were only five minutes into the 55 minute class. I totally felt better – until I realized she was wearing a 2008 Old Navy tshirt, same as me. And the yoga pants with green waistband, same as me. In fact she had the same nose ring too. And earrings. I realized holy frick, I was looking at myself in the mirror!

QB: Oh Honey, its ok. I’ll take you to Walmart and we can look at some really fat people.

HB: And we can pick up some cookies.

QB: Good idea, get in the car!

{And we wonder why we’re fat…}

 

Many pounds years ago, I did yoga. It was at the Y and probably more like Yoga Lite, but it was a nice workout and I only farted once.  I put Building Up the Yoga Habit on the Baby Bucket List.

(I’m down to three things left on the Baby Bucket List – the other two were Reach a Good Weight and Go to Europe – and I don’t want to be the only fat-ass in Europe, so Yoga was it.)

The first thing I needed was a partner – so the next time Queen B. came over, I told her she had a fat ass and I had the cure – yoga. It would be quick and effortless, she’s a sucker for quick and effortless.

HB: Ok, the Y has yoga and we’re going. Do you have sweatpants?

QB: I don’t wear sweatpants, it makes my ass look fat. 

HB: Your ass is already fat, but yoga will help. Let’s shop. 

So we immediately sat down on the couch, pulled out the laptop and did some online shopping. Hello Old Navy yoga pants (we’re on a budget). Three days and $100 later (budget my ass), we have a lovely package from Old Navy bearing eight items of yogawear. We were so excited that we started stripping down in the kitchen to try everything on.

QB: *holding up a tank top* This is tiny, did you order children’s wear?

HB: Its yogawear, its supposed to be tight – and its Spandex so it will stretch – and Old Navy runs big, its fine.

QB:  *halfway into the tank top* Was this made in China by very little Chinese people? Because this would only fit a tiny Chinese woman. 

HB: Yeah Mom, thats why we wear 2X, it means the size of two Chinese ladies whose names start with X. Xing and Xiong.

QB: They need to make this stuff bigger. Obviously if you’re doing yoga its because you’re fat. Skinny people don’t need yoga, and if they show up at yoga in clothes that fit, they’re just showing off. Its like a self-esteem class for them. 

HB: Quit acting like you’ve ever been to a yoga class. You don’t even know how to spell yoga.

Since we were in the kitchen, there were no mirrors – so we pour ourselves  into our first ensembles, electric coral racerback tank top and yoga capris, then turn around to model to each other. And great, one of the pants can’t be returned now because SOMEONE laughed too hard and wet her pants.

QB: Your thighs look like a couple of homemade bratwurst in those pants. 

HB: What is that coming out of the back of your racerback tank top – OMG Mom, you have C cups, facing backwards. 

There's been a security breach at Las Camisas!

HB: Mom! You’re not supposed to wear your bra, it has a bra in it!

QB: Its so small it wouldn’t support one boob of mine, get this thing off me, I can’t breathe! Pull on it, quick – but not too hard, the seams are Chinese, they’re not made for this kind of tension!

Ok, next ensemble – electric green v-neck workout shirt and black yoga pants (because black is slimming).

QB: Oh Honey, did you know that those pants had Old Navy stamped on the ass? It looks like a billboard!

Free Billboard Advertising

HB: Oh shut up, your upper arm fat is eating your cap sleeves. 

Queen B. started digging through the bag, “Isn’t there anything larger than 2T in this bag? We need some woman clothes, do they have yoga burqas?”

We put on the least offensive of the purchases, and decide to try out some yoga moves.

Yoga Pose: Downward Facing Dog (or Dropped Donut Under Couch)

QB: We have to do this here, because if this Chinese spandex is going to let loose, it should be in the privacy of home. 

HB: Agreed. No one should witness this. 

Yoga Pose: Warrior Pose (or Will Fight For Food)

QB: We are going to rock this yogi class thing!

HB: Mom, its yoga, not yogi! Next time take your socks off. 

Next Up: Yoga Class! Stay tuned…

 

posted on March 31, 2012 in baby bucket list, fitness, me, queen b.
by Honey B.
with 4 Comments
  • Husband announces that he will be starting the Couch to 5K program, and downloads an app.
  • Not to be outdone, you also announce that you will starting the Couch to 5K program and be kicking his ass.
  • Spend two hours evaluating C25K apps on iTunes.
  • Buy Get Running for $1.99 and position on the front page of your iPhone.
  • Spend $10.32 on new music for your Tunes to Run By playlist.
  • Come home from work and eat a bowl of sesame chicken and fried rice.
  • Get online and research new shoes, workout gear, and headphones.
  • Pin some fitness motivation quotes on Pinterest.
  • Look for headphones in work bag, purse, junk drawer, and bedside table. Give up and steal husband’s headphones.
  • Go downstairs looking for tennis shoes- find them in the basement in the Goodwill box.
  • Put on workout pants, which were worn as pajamas the night before.
  • Unfold treadmill from storage position in master bedroom, dust it thoroughly.
  • Attempt to plug it in, and then go back to the junk drawer for the three-prong to two-prong adapter.
  • All the upstairs-downstairs routine has necessitated a trip to the bathroom to clear ones GI system.
  • Lay on the bed to recover from bathroom trip and read half of a Shape magazine.
  • Finally get on the damn treadmill, and complete Week 1 Run 1 of C25K.
  • Brag about accomplishment in Facebook status update.
  • Add running to Facebook hobbies.
  • Husband comes home from work, gets into pajamas and eats chips and salsa on the couch. He says he’ll start C25K tomorrow.
Total Financial Investment: $11.31
Total Time Investment: 4.5 hours
Total Calories Burned: 154
posted on October 19, 2011 in fitness
by Honey B.
with 0 Comments

…I’m scared of weight machines…and this would be why…

posted on April 2, 2010 in fitness, sunday video

From: Mom, queenb@thehoneyb.com
To: Honey, honey@thehoneyb.com
Date: Sun, Mar 7, 2010 at 10:27 PM
Subject: The Scent of Spring! No, Not the Dryer Sheet…

Oh Honey!!! Running? Are you OK?

Seriously darling, women in our family should not run, we are too big-breasted. It’s painful to do it and it is painful to watch — and if you are running down the sidewalk you will be seen. People look at runners and grade them. We all do it Honey – not just me -and then most share the grade with the person in the car with them…..

I have three grades myself -

#1 “Yep you look great in spandex! I would run too if I looked like that- probably naked though. Now that you have ruined my day you can go home and eat some wheat grass. I myself will be having a double portion of Prozac for dessert tonight.”

#2 “Oh yes, you need to be running! And you should probably be thinking about liposuction also. But I admire your drive and perseverance. I will be praying that you make it home without some sort of a heart episode – way to go.”

#3 “Oh dear…my boobs hurt just watching you…they have yet to engineer a sports bra to handle those dear – just go home and buy a stationary bike. Where is your Mother? She should have told you before you went out in public like that?”

Just sharing the vast amount of knowledge I have acquired over my lifetime. I know you appreciate it….. :)

Love from your mother,
Queen B.

posted on March 8, 2010 in fitness, queen b.

Ahh yes, spring….you know its spring in the Great Midwest because if you step outside on your back deck, expecting to breathe in the spring air (now that the temperatures are above freezing for the first time in four months)…yes, that big deep breath will not be of fresh spring air….but it will be of thawing dog doo.

Thank you for that Moo. I’ll have your Dad get right on that.

But the good news about spring? My cabin fever has reached such a level that I’m considering going outside to, get this, exercise. I told Marmot we should go out for a power walk, and his mouth fell open. Seriously? Yes, seriously.

I used to run, way back when. I miss it, and really do want to do it again. At one point I did read an article by John Bingham, talking about how penguins run or something like that. I remember laughing. So this guy has a book called Running for Mortals and another called Courage to Start. Both geared for what they term ‘adult-onset athletes’. lol A friend of mine recommended them both, since the ‘running gene’ has been pretty much dormant for awhile. I have earned enough Swagbucks for the Amazon giftcards to cover it, so they are both on their way!

Aside from cabin fever, why the sudden urge to exercise? Well, my Weight Watchers weigh-in demonstrated that I gained a whopping 3.2lbs in one week. Do they give a charm for most weight gained in a week?? Now some of that was water weight due to some mega salt intake the night before, and it being *that* time of the month (seriously, it was the first time I’ve ever not worn my wedding ring- my fingers were like sausages!) so I need to undo that this week.

I’ve got a four day weekend, so I’m going to be blogging and commenting and tweeting to my hearts content! Its been a crazy week, and I’m in need of some blog therapy, I’ve missed you all!

posted on March 5, 2010 in fitness, spring, weight gain, weight watchers

Ah yes, the New Year’s Resolutions. The blogosphere is positively brimming with them!

Some are really genuine. Like I love the getting pregnant resolutions. I’m partial to them, mostly out of jealousy. And the losing weight ones, mostly because its nice to know others are in the same boat, and are recycling the weight loss resolution from last year.

Others are enough to make you retch. Peace on earth, goodwill towards all mankind. Gag me. Its like saying actually yes, I’m skinny and perfect, and I have great finances and angelic children, no resolutions for me thanks!

Well let me tell you, I have issues resolutions. I’m fat, need to whip the budget into shape, drink a lot less caffeine, break my addiction to Excedrin headache, and have a ton of things on the Baby Bucket List to accomplish. Oh yeah, I got LOTS of issues resolutions! And without further ado, I present my resolutions.

Lose Weight! Yessss I’m recycling my resolution from last year. I’m being green! I spent a solid year of obsessing about and planning for and bitching about losing weight. As of today, I am 14 pounds less than I was on January 1st, 2009. Progress, yes! But not worth the amount of misery I went through, and at the rate I’m going I’ll be at my goal weight by 2016. Unacceptable. This year will see me reach my goal weight through the following interventions:

  • Get going with the yoga. Fibro makes exercise a lot harder this year than last, so I’m starting out with a reasonable goal, building up the yoga habit. I did yoga infrequently a few years ago and loved it, so I’ve ordered a new yoga DVD (BL’s Weight Loss Yoga!) and have a few more on the Netflix queue. The goal is to do a yoga DVD three times a week.
  • Follow my diet. My diet is miserable (what diet isn’t though, seriously) but its pretty simple. Reduced calorie, reduced fat. When I stick to it I get good results. Last year I employed a decent schedule of on for six weeks, off for six weeks, and was able to maintain the losses during the off weeks. The problem? I only did two six-week rounds of being ON the diet. If I do it consistently, I could reach my goal by January 1st, 2011. My goal is to get into a consistent six weeks on, six weeks off pattern for the year.

Baby Bucket List! Now this blog is dedicated to my BBL, but 2010 is the year that it’s going to really happen. I have three things on the list before we are TTC that are within my control, and here’s how I’m going to get them done:

  • Finish my Degree. Oh yeah baby. This one is in the works, and my expected graduation is November 2010, if I stick to it and CLEP out of the humanities portion. Totally do-able. The goal is to graduate in 2010!
  • Credit Card #1 Paid Off. We’ve chipped away at it since paying off the truck, but I want it DONE and be able to start snowballing towards getting Credit Card #2 Paid Off. The goal is to get #1 paid off and make progress on #2!
  • Buy a House. Marmot and I have been house shopping for about six months, but haven’t taken the plunge after a house-offer-gone-wrong last year. Our lease is up in June, so if we are indeed going to move in June we need to take some serious steps, get another pre-approval letter from the mortgage guy and start looking at houses. The goal is to close on a house by June 30, 2010!
  • Operation Baby + Honey! A subset of the BBL! I love working on this, but I’ve got work to do with the following:
    • Keep the caffeine under 200mg. I’m getting better, its less than 500mg a day now…but I need to continue dropping it down a little bit every week. The goal is to have my caffeine intake at 200mg or less by March 15th, 2010.
    • Stop taking ibuprofen on a daily basis, and only take Tylenol as needed. I have removed the ibuprofen from my office entirely, and have replaced it wth Tylenol. The goal is to be completely off ibuprofen by February 1st, 2010.
    • Daily prenatal vitamin consumption. Have a lot of room to go with the prenatals (I average three a week?) but I’m going to set up my two separate vitamin stations (at my office, and at home) and stick to it! The goal is to log 30 consecutive days in a row of taking my prenatal vitamins!
    • Better tracking. I’m sort of good about getting my temperature, but really bad about getting it at the right time. I would like to start charting more thoroughly (stress, etc.) to see if I can figure out why I will occasionally have 35 day cycles amongst the 27-28 days cycles? The goal is to have daily temperatures and accurate daily charting for the next three cycles!

Going Green! I’ve never been good at this. I always joke that I’m a Republican, so its against my politics to be green (I’m totally kidding, seriously). But I know I can build on some of the changes I made last year, through the following:

  • Truly embrace my aversion to plastic bags, and get my own set of fit-in-the-purse reusable bags. I have a set of bags I’m deliberating over, I need to buy them and start!
  • Never again buy a bottle of water in a non-recyclable container. I’m pretty good about that anyway, but its time to get serious. No more non-recyclables starting today!
  • Have at least 50% of my cleaning products be green/organic. I have a set of Nellie’s Dryer Balls en route (thank you Amazon!) and a few ideas for products I’d like to try. By March, I’d like to have at least 50% of my cleaning products be green/organic!

So that is my list. And I’m actually looking forward to it, a year of positive changes! And I was seriously kidding about not going green because I’m a Republican. I promise!

posted on January 1, 2010 in baby bucket list, fitness, weight loss

I love the Firm. As much as I love any fitness type thing. Annie is upbeat, she smiles and her comments aren’t obnoxious. And I totally rocked the DVD. Did the whole workout (instead of wimping out and doing the Express workout) and I did it with the 5lbs weights (instead of no weights for beginners). I had no issue doing Hi-Def Sculpt before, and its not like I’ve been inactive the last few months right?

Right. And I couldn’t touch my toes today if there was a million dollars sitting on them. I got stuck in my office chair, twice. There was so much groaning when I tried to sit down to pee in the woman’s restroom today, I’m pretty sure I scared the lady in the next stall.

Sooo, no gold star for exercise today. Although I contemplated giving myself a gold star just for being able to wipe my own ass.

But I’m going to try it again tomorrow! Just because I can’t let my fitness buddy Kate get more glass stones in her jar than I have gold stars!

posted on December 1, 2009 in challenge, fitness

Looking for the giveaway! Its right here!

Well, I did the Firm DVD. Gold star for me! I remembered once again why I make Marmot go upstairs when I do a workout. The amount of grunting, sweating, cursing and farting is pretty bad. Note to self, this is why you are not cut out for group fitness activities! 

But the highlight of the evening was announcing that I was going to do the DVD, and being asked by {skinny} sister Ginger if I was going to watch the DVD, or actually get up and do the workout. Marmot laughed so hard I thought he was going to fall off his chair.

{Confession: I’ve watched a DVD from the couch before. Just to, you know, check it out and see if I could do the choreography}.

The supportive duo were eating McDonald’s. Which I succumbed to. Today’s tally is one gold star for exercise, and one gold star for water. One day down, and twenty to go. While working out I was totally imagining myself doing the workouts while pregnant. lol

posted on November 30, 2009 in fitness, weight loss

So this Baby Bucket List has to start at the beginning. At least of the ones I have control over. Marmot’s job is outside of my control, so is buying a house and vehicle. Things on track and not really needing active work would be finishing my degree (please call me out if I ever utter the word ‘break’) so that can be left as-is. Now the things in my control are finishing my degree, paying of credit card #1 and #2 and the truck, weight, and exercise. Nothing much really. Hah!

Ok, first things first. I need to get into shape and lose weight. Hmm. Next?

I hate this topic, I seriously do. I have battled my weight since I was 15, can it not be done already?! I currently weigh 218 pounds as of this morning (o.m.g!) and should actually be like 140. Yeah, I’m a little off. I have a killer diet that I used to lose 25lbs this summer, and I think its time to get back on the wagon. Dammit.

I know what I need to do with that, but exercise I’m kind of stuck on. I have the Firm DVD’s and a gym membership. But I hate both those options unless bribed or coerced. I am on the hunt for a fitness challenge! They used to be everywhere on the blogosphere, why can I not find one now? I can’t be the only one crazy enough to start a fitness challenge in December. Am I?

If I can’t find one, I might have to start one. But I’m really pretty sure there has to be one out there starting on December 1st.

Any suggestions?

posted on November 28, 2009 in baby bucket list, fitness, weight loss