I don’t know about you all- but for Queen B. and I, it is now that time of year again. The moment when we wake up from our Christmas-sugar-cookie-induced comas and realize that we’re fat asses. It usually comes up in a discussion a few days after Christmas, sitting at Mom’s kitchen table, eating the remains of the Christmas baking frenzy. We start the discussion with a review of past diet disasters, ending with a decision on which way to go this year.
We realized this year that between the two of us, we’ve been on every diet known to man. So as a public service, we are going to share our vast knowledge in order to help you decide which diet to do for 2012.
HB: Well that is the diet of cheese, and I love cheese.
QB: Except that cheese binds you up, and you only lose weight when you poop.
HB: Yeah, and its a doozy when you do. Like make sure you’re at home, its going to be a three-flush incident.
QB: Oh no, you can’t poop at a friend’s house when you’re on Atkins. If you’re going to clog a toilet, you want to do that at home. In fact you should just carry the plunger with you every time you go to the bathroom, just to be safe.
HB: But on the plus side, its all-you-can-eat bacon.
QB: But after a couple tries on Atkins, you can burn out on bacon. Heed my warning, because I’m off bacon until at least 2014.
HB: And don’t forget the carb withdrawals, I wanted bread so bad that I would have eaten cardboard if it was dipped in sugar.
QB: But remember the sugar-free gum? I ate three packs of it in a day and had a bowel malfunction.
QB: Oh yes, this is my personal favorite.
HB: Until you go to the meeting, and someone gets a lifetime award for losing 12lbs.
QB: Anybody can lose 12lbs. I had a 12lb bowel movement on Atkins once.
HB: Well I’m still paying the monthly fee that I signed up for last year if you want to go again this year.
QB: Why do you have to pay even if you don’t lose weight? There should be a money-back guarantee. If you gain weight, they give you the judge-y face.
HB: Oh yeah, that time you gained 8lbs in a week. Judgmental bitches.
QB: It was fruit! They did NOT say that fruit in syrup is not actually fruit. I had 14 cans of peaches in heavy syrup, and drank the syrup. I was being healthy!
HB: Well I can’t afford to go anymore unless they start giving credit for buying crap. I have the measuring cups, scales, cookbooks, granola bars the size of postage stamps, water jugs. I have an entire Weight Watchers room in the basement.
Grapefruit and Cabbage Diet
HB: Did you know if you eat too much grapefruit, that the acid will burn your bum hole when you poop?
QB: That’s if you poop. When I tried it the gas got so bad from the cabbage, I was afraid to bend over and risk shooting grapefruit seeds out my ass like a machine gun.
HB: And the canker sores from the acid, its no joke. I had canker face.
QB: I didn’t want to say it then Honey, but you looked like a walking herpes outbreak.
HB: I looked at the food online once, and have been psycho called by their customer service department for a year and a half.
QB: That food isn’t even real. I had one of their ho-ho’s, which I think was actually plastic.
HB: Oh Mother, that’s because you were binge-eating next weeks food in the middle of the night and ate the ho-ho with the wrapper still on it.
QB: Is that what that was?
QB: I can’t afford Alli, unless we’re going to cover all the furniture with plastic. Last time you did Alli, I had to buy a new office chair.
HB: Ohhhhh, the office chair. Well my thinking was, if taking one Alli pill was good, taking two is better right? And I had gas….. But it wasn’t gas.
QB: Yeah think again. You ruined my office chair! You were popping Alli like candy, ripped one, and next thing you know we were dropping the office chair off in a midnight Goodwill stealth donation.
HB: The best part about Alli is going off of it, you can once again fart confidently.
HB: The only good thing about that diet is the loading days where you eat yourself sick, on purpose.
QB: Five hundred calories a day is insanity! I can pick that many calories out of my teeth after a meal.
HB: That was the diet that you called me crying from the couch because you couldn’t eat anything and all the joy had been sucked out of your life.
QB: Speaking of sucking, we should do liposuction.
HB: Remember that liposuction cream that I had an allergic reaction to?
QB: That was Preparation H.
So this years decision is……..drumroll please……..we’re going all-organic. Stay tuned.