Posts Filed Under food

by Honey B.
with 2 Comments

Queen B. taught me to share, so I went in today to give blood for Team B Hive. The truth is, I’ll do anything for a cookie. First time blood donor, whole blood, I am the savior of the world – or anyone with O negative bleeding out in the Godforsaken Arctic Tundra. Work up went great – I have a Hemoglobin of 14 so I am definitely not anemic – vital signs are good – and Lord knows I’m fat enough to donate. And they have cookies as a reward? I’m in.

They poke me, I spurt out some blood, and its finally time to have some cookies. But I stand up and whammo, my ears are ringing and I’ve been struck blind. The elderly lady in the chair next to me and the 90lb Chinese lab tech have to drag my fat ass back to the chair and put my head between my knees. They plop a wet napkin over my neck and fan me, while I lay there sweating and groaning.

So after a few minutes I start feeling better, and I get up to head towards the cookies again – and no, I collapse back onto the recliner. My stupid lycra fat sucker inner has risen OVER my gut and is cutting into my diaphragm, I can’t breathe, my arms are numb…those better be some frickin awesome cookies.

I finally fake that I am feeling fine, shove two cookies in my mouth and three in my pocket, and lumber back to my work with no eyesight and my ears ringing in my head. I make it to the break room on the unit and look in the mirror to discover that the water from the wet napkin has mixed with my hairspray, and I now look like I should be in a punk rock band. Not to mention, apparently my mascara is NOT waterproof and has run down my cheeks. I go into the bathroom and because I’m still half blind, I’m unable to figure out how to lock the door. I don’t care, I put one foot in front of the door and start stripping. Think Kramer in Seinfeld, I am whipping off my clothes and tearing off the Lycra. And I’m still so dizzy that once I get my clothes off, I end up laying on the bathroom floor in my bra, just praying that none of my coworkers come in and call a code on me.

I am still dizzy, but go Team B. Hive!!

posted on March 23, 2012 in food, me, Uncategorized

Dear Honey, this is your Mother speaking.

Thank you so much for the delicious dinner you made for your father and I last night. It was also so thoughtful of you to call me at 6:30 this morning to enquire about the state of our gastrointestinal health.  You went on to share that there may have been something in the food because your husband was suffering from the gastrointestinal version of Hiroshima. I immediately grabbed your father and woke him up screaming, “Dear God we’ve been poisoned”! He jumped out of bed in his whitie-tighties, hair standing on end, screaming Where?! Where?!?

I got your father calmed down, poor nervous soul that he is, and started a full morning of second guessing my every intestinal twinge for symptoms.

Your text message later in the morning: “Poor Marmot – he threw up so hard he had to go directly to the shower”.  A lengthy phone conversation followed discussing where to buy new bath mats and hand towels. Somehow I ended up on the phone with Marmot, advising him to exchange his boxer shorts for briefs stuffed with paper towels, for increased absorbency, in an effort to save the remainder of the bath linens his parents gave them for a wedding present.

Then your call few hours later- asking about the medicinal properties of  7-Up vs. Gatorade? I had to ask. “Really Honey, why are you calling me for this? Aren’t you invested by about $50k into a nurse practitioner program?” And my darling Honey informs me ….  “Well yes Mom, but it’s in women’s health – I specialize in crotches, not assholes”. 

By afternoon you too were home from work and spending quality time on the toilet. The next phone call … well I can’t even describe the phone call.  Please, just note: Aloe needs to be completely peeled before being applied to any irritated orifices.

The last text of the afternoon: “Code Brown, send reinforcements!” So being the loving mother that I am, I dispatched Left Brain to deliver a bag of Flushable Moist Wipes and Gatorade – but with strict instructions – “Do not go in, do not slow down, do not even make eye contact! We can still be infected”.

Your father called me after “the drop”.  He had thrown the bag of supplies into the snow drift in the front yard from his moving car.  “It looked like a hunched over bow-legged troll shuffled out into the yard to get the bag as I was driving away, is there some homeless person staying with them?”

I love you darling, but next time I’ll cook.

Queen B.

posted on March 5, 2012 in food, marmot, queen b.

I don’t know about you all- but for Queen B. and I, it is now that time of year again. The moment when we wake up from our Christmas-sugar-cookie-induced comas and realize that we’re fat asses. It usually comes up in a discussion a few days after Christmas, sitting at Mom’s kitchen table, eating the remains of the Christmas baking frenzy. We start the discussion with a review of past diet disasters, ending with a decision on which way to go this year.

We realized this year that between the two of us, we’ve been on every diet known to man. So as a public service, we are going to share our vast knowledge in order to help you decide which diet to do for 2012.

Atkins

HB: Well that is the diet of cheese, and I love cheese.

QB: Except that cheese binds you up, and you only lose weight when you poop.

HB: Yeah, and its a doozy when you do. Like make sure you’re at home, its going to be a three-flush incident.

QB: Oh no, you can’t poop at a friend’s house when you’re on Atkins. If you’re going to clog a toilet, you want to do that at home. In fact you should just carry the plunger with you every time you go to the bathroom, just to be safe.

HB: But on the plus side, its all-you-can-eat bacon.

QB: But after a couple tries on Atkins, you can burn out on bacon. Heed my warning, because I’m off bacon until at least 2014.

HB: And don’t forget the carb withdrawals, I wanted bread so bad that I would have eaten cardboard if it was dipped in sugar.

QB: But remember the sugar-free gum? I ate three packs of it in a day and had a bowel malfunction.

 

Weight Watchers

QB: Oh yes, this is my personal favorite.

HB: Until you go to the meeting, and someone gets a lifetime award for losing 12lbs.

QB: Anybody can lose 12lbs. I had a 12lb bowel movement on Atkins once.

HB: Well I’m still paying the monthly fee that I signed up for last year if you want to go again this year.

QB: Why do you have to pay even if you don’t lose weight? There should be a money-back guarantee. If you gain weight, they give you the judge-y face.

HB: Oh yeah, that time you gained 8lbs in a week. Judgmental bitches.

QB: It was fruit! They did NOT say that fruit in syrup is not actually fruit. I had 14 cans of peaches in heavy syrup, and drank the syrup. I was being healthy!

HB: Well I can’t afford to go anymore unless they start giving credit for buying crap. I have the measuring cups, scales, cookbooks, granola bars the size of postage stamps, water jugs. I have an entire Weight Watchers room in the basement.

 

Grapefruit and Cabbage Diet

HB: Did you know if you eat too much grapefruit, that the acid will burn your bum hole when you poop?

QB: That’s if you poop. When I tried it the gas got so bad from the cabbage, I was afraid to bend over and risk shooting grapefruit seeds out my ass like a machine gun.

HB: And the canker sores from the acid, its no joke. I had canker face.

QB: I didn’t want to say it then Honey, but you looked like a walking herpes outbreak.

 

Nutrisystem

HB: I looked at the food online once, and have been psycho called by their customer service department for a year and a half.

QB: That food isn’t even real. I had one of their ho-ho’s, which I think was actually plastic.

HB: Oh Mother, that’s because you were binge-eating next weeks food in the middle of the night and ate the ho-ho with the wrapper still on it.

QB: Is that what that was?

 

Alli

QB: I can’t afford Alli, unless we’re going to cover all the furniture with plastic. Last time you did Alli, I had to buy a new office chair.

HB: Ohhhhh, the office chair. Well my thinking was, if taking one Alli pill was good, taking two is better right? And I had gas….. But it wasn’t gas.

QB: Yeah think again. You ruined my office chair! You were popping Alli like candy, ripped one, and next thing you know we were dropping the office chair off in a midnight Goodwill stealth donation.

HB: The best part about Alli is going off of it, you can once again fart confidently.

 

HCG Diet

HB: The only good thing about that diet is the loading days where you eat yourself sick, on purpose.

QB: Five hundred calories a day is insanity! I can pick that many calories out of my teeth after a meal.

HB: That was the diet that you called me crying from the couch because you couldn’t eat anything and all the joy had been sucked out of your life.

QB: Speaking of sucking, we should do liposuction.

HB: Remember that liposuction cream that I had an allergic reaction to?

QB: That was Preparation H.

 

So this years decision is……..drumroll please……..we’re going all-organic. Stay tuned.

posted on January 5, 2012 in dieting, food, queen b.

Graduate school. Don’t do it. Learn from my experience dear friends, and save yourselves. My life has been consumed by pathophysiology, family theories, and the role of the advance practice nurse. And this is going to take me two years to finish. Kill me now.

I have been subsisting almost entirely on junk food and, most importantly, iced coffee. I’ve been looking at recipes online, and have tweaked mine to be exactly the way I like it – cloyingly sweet and tasting nothing like coffee. Hah!

I dump a bag of ground coffee (my favorite is Caribou Lakeshore) into a container with a gallon water. I let it sit for six hours until I cracked and had to try some, but admittedly the stuff I let steep overnight is the best. Strain it through a paper towel or some coffee filters, and then pour half a glass over some ice cubes. Extra credit if you used the extra coffee you have left from making Black Magic cake (below) and make coffee ice cubes. Fill the glass to 3/4 with a mix of evaporated milk and sweetened condensed milk, and then top it off with some 2% milk. In a word? A-ma-zing. And as the coffee ice cubes melt, the drink actually gets stronger instead of watery.

I have also become addicted to what is easily the best chocolate cake I’ve ever had in my life- Black Magic chocolate cake. And I’m a chunky girl, you know I’ve tried them all. I don’t really know what to say about this cake, other than get into the kitchen and bake it. Immediately. Its moist and dense without sticking to the roof of your mouth, the frosting is to die for, and- it has coffee in it!!

So how has your Labor Day weekend been?

posted on September 5, 2011 in coffee, food

Dear Girl Scouts-

First of all, I want you to know that I support the Girl Scouts 100%, absolutely. I was never a Girl Scout myself but I’m all about Girl Power, and building good character, and cookies.

About the cookies. We need to talk. See, I know that my house is on the Cookie List. With the red triangle next to the address, which according to the legend at the bottom of the page means ‘Pudgy Lady Who Loves Cookies, Easy Sell!’. But here is the deal, I’m running out of money. I’ve spent $60 on Girl Scout cookies in the last week and a half, and the doorbell keeps ringing!

And Marmot is no help at all, because you know he falls for it every time. I had him answer the door last time I saw Girl Scouts running around the neighborhood, and he came into the sunroom asking me for a $21 check for the little girl at the door. I know he’s on your list as ‘Total Softie Married to the Pudgy Lady Who Loves Cookies’.

I’m weak Girls! I’m dieting, and my resolve fails at the mere mention of Trefoils, the nutty flavor of shortbread melting in my mouth, the crunch of Thin Mints on ice cream…

So please Girls, for the love of fat pants- take me off your list.

Regretfully,

The Pudgy Lady on 6th Street

posted on February 15, 2011 in dieting, food, marmot, me

Soul food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Last winter, my Dad and I pulled out Gramma’s spaghetti sauce recipe. We hadn’t attempted making it since she passed away in 2006, but it was time to try it again. And it. was. amazing. The type of food where you take a bite, close your eyes, and it takes you back to a specific place and time. For me its back to sitting at my Gramma’s dining room table (that now resides in my dining room), drinking milk out of a brown mug that I’m sipping tea out of as I write this, and eating her spaghetti with a meatball that seemed to be about the size of my head. Gramma asking Leonard to say grace, and Leonard saying “GRACE.” And the hilarity of seeing my Dad ordered around (and even saying yes ma’am) to this tiny little woman. All of this from one bite of Gramma’s spaghetti, the recipe of which I have here.

posted on December 26, 2010 in family, food, reverb10

Halloween was our first real holiday in the New House, and we got inaugurated with over 75 kids, $35 of candy gone in just over an hour! We also gave ourselves a great introduction to the neighborhood, with the first doorbell had Brewer crashing through the door and bolting down the street with me in hot pursuit. Nothing like barreling down the sidewalk after your idiot dog, with parents and their trick-or-treaters looking at you like wow, never seen a fat lady run that fast. Note- Brewer was not in the lobster costume yet, which I was told by a neighbor would have really added to the hilarity. I grabbed Brewer about two blocks down and hauled him back home, with Marmot (who had been in the shower) coming downstairs just in time to ask, why the hell are you sweating?

I put his non-sweaty self on candy duty...

Because we don’t have children (and because, according to Queen B, we have an inordinate amount of spending money for stupid things) we bought Halloween costumes for the dogs. Now one of the challenges of having two large dogs (88lbs and 105lbs) is that the XXL costumes from Petsmart are a little snug. But we were not disuaded by this small detail, we stuffed the dogs into them anyway. If I can stuff myself into a pair of killer shoes, the boys can suffer for an hour of costume wearing!

Brewer the Lobster...

Trying to get them to sit still for a picture!

Max the Shark

And yes, even the cat’s costume was too tight. But I’ll admit, it was on clearance at TJ Maxx for $2 (the inmate costume I really wanted was sold out) and it was actually an XS dog costume…who knew she was that fat?? I’m starting to see a pattern here…

Happy kitty!

So we decided to deliver pumpkin muffins to the neighbors from Max the Shark and Brewer the Lobster…Neighbor Bob shook his head, and told us we need to have kids already. lol

Yum!

The pumpkin muffins were a-ma-zing, its a recipe my sister Apple B. found on Allrecipes.com, the Pumpkin Bars II recipe and she just put the batter into muffin tins. Note: the tablespoons of baking soda and baking powder should actually be teaspoons. lol The awful part is that Brewer has taken up counter-surfing as a hobby, and ate about 12 of them.

Hope you all had a wonderful Halloween!

posted on November 8, 2010 in cat, fall, food, marmot, pets, pictures, us, whatever, yum
Honey, this is your mother speaking.
Boy vs. Girl?   Really — We all know that there is no sure fire way to choose the sex of your offspring *but* (drum roll please) – you can choose their personality! 
I am not kidding Honey – this works. Your Grandmother on the Italian side told me this a long time ago and I
think she had something going with secret powers and garlic.   If she was still alive today we would write a book about it and make a fortune off of young pre-pregnant women like yourself who are gullible enough to buy anything – ahem – for example  ”Hooter-Hiders”!
Here is the secret —— It is all about what you *eat* before you do the Doodle Dance. Grandma said that food has it’s own personality, and after you eat it and it passes through your intestines it rubs up against the uterus {is that the scientific explanation?} and wham! Baby Personality!  
A lasagna baby for instance will be well balanced and a good eater.  
Tiramisu, and you will have a sweetie.  
Italian bread will give you a little ones with a tough exteriors and a softies on the inside.  
Italian sausage, will of course, give you a great lover.  {Oh gag, Mom, seriously…}
Red wine will give you a baby that is a happy and outgoing – white wine breeds them thoughtful and broody.  Biscotti babies will be tough cookies.  
A shot of espresso and you will be dealing with hyperactivity and ADHD!  
I would head toward the pasta - and maybe a white sauce.  For goodness sake stay away from oily fish – we don’t want any Mafia types. 
Now that I think about it this may have something to do with the way you turned out…. if I remember correctly I had fallen off the Organic wagon that day and your father had caught me sitting in the closet with a box of twinkies! {In other words, I’m pure chemicals and will live forever?}
Well, just thought I would share a drop from my great pool of knowledge with you.
Love from your Mother,
Queen B.
posted on May 14, 2010 in baby, food, queen b.
by Honey B.
with 0 Comments

I know that I have some readers who have never had to diet in their lives. But some of you are long-term dieters. You know the drill. You’ve lived through the grapefruit diet and have the abhorrence of citrus juice to prove it. You have the stretch marks from the fat days, and that one pair of jeans you cling to from the skinny days. You have pictures that make you marvel my god I had cheekbones? and pictures that make you want to heave as you think damn, I have a fat roll there?

So my thoughts may be familiar to you. That stunning kneejerk reaction of revulsion at your body when you’ve hit a new level of fat that you don’t remember having before. Not just the general I need to lose some weight thought, but the OH MY GOD moment when you realize you have a belly roll that touches your thigh when you sit down.

I have had one of these moments. Dieting will commence shortly. Stay tuned.

posted on January 14, 2010 in dieting, food

It starts out with Mal emailing me a picture of a cookie tin on Martha Stewart’s website. And then we see the caramel corn bucket. We think, we could do that- how hard can it be? Recipes are downloaded, and off we go to Hobby Lobby for beautiful boxes, cardstock, vellum, and ribbon. We make cute little cards with the recipes to tuck in the boxes. Marmot is sent to buy macadamia nuts and almonds, and Mal picks up two giganto bags of popped corn. We meet at her house and commence to cooking.

We double the batch for the Macadamia Butter Crunch Popcorn, and away we go. We boil down the sugar and corn syrup, and start pouring it over the popcorn. It says it is good for 25 cups of popcorn, 50 for the double batch. We covered approximately 10 cups. Damn.

Mal’s husband got dispatched to Walmart for more butter and corn syrup. Marmot gets called in for mixing.

We optimistically put the first batch in the oven and started mixing up a double batch of the Chocolate-Almond Popcorn. And covered approximately 10 cups. Shit.
So now its 9pm, and we’re about 1/8 of the way into our project. We decide to make cookies to send to family. And we remembered again why we don’t do crafty things. But at least one finished product is packaged and ready to go to out- even if everyone else will get cookies!
And as for Martha Stewart and her recipes, well- watch out for the popcorn amount, because we’re pretty sure that 25 cups was supposed to be 2.5 cups. Thanks Martha. lol
posted on December 12, 2009 in food, recipe