Posts Filed Under gardening

Dear Honey, this is your mother speaking.

Did you know that at our local Barnes and Noble, there are no less than 12 different books on how to grow marijuana? I wouldn’t have normally even taken notice, but I was perusing the shelves for a book on heirloom gardening. Its actually Natalie’s fault, I was reading her blog about how she started a garden project and ended up going into some sort of ‘alternative agricultural store’ which we all know is a front. Now she says she’s growing ‘tomatoes’ in her garden. Right.

Natalie's Tomato Plants

So, coincidentally that nights movie was Saving Grace on Netflix.  A lovely woman, my general age and great taste in furniture (which is really beside the point). Anyway, her husband passes away and leaves her destitute, in a lovely English garden estate – so to support her previous level of living, she grows pot. I was relating to this woman.  I actually got mad at Left Brain after watching this movie – just on principle (because he has neither died nor had an affair or left me on the threshold of debtor’s prison). But I have been concerned about the state of our retirement lately – so I am thinking about starting a ‘garden’. So as I see it, I have only two workable possibilities for retirement – either grow pot or move in with you dear. {I’ve always thought you would be great at growing pot Mom, you’ve got such a green thumb. And I can totally see you with the munchies, the last time you were here you ate all the semi-sweet chocolate chips from my baking cupboard.}

Truthfully, I think the growing would be the easy part of the process, as a 50-something woman who has several decades of gardening under her belt. The puzzling part this venture is {jail time?} –  distribution. Where would I sell my high-quality organic marijuana? {Pot-Mart Mom, its right next to Wal-Mart.} I don’t hang around with the right friends, there isn’t a lot of call for it at the Mission Committee at church, and I don’t have the right clothes for selling pot. I had a fringed halter top once, but I am just going to guess that it wouldn’t look quite as good on me now as it did in 1974. So my only realistic option is a staff of salespeople. Also, quite possibly a specialist for quality control, because at my weight the munchies could be a complete wardrobe disaster. Do you think I would have to pay someone for that, or is the actual job benefit enough? I refuse to have them hanging out at my house either – if I wanted a bunch of people acting stoned and eat everything in the fridge I’d have had more kids. I think I should be a wholesaler, at my age I can’t be responsible for a bunch of stoned sales associates. And I can’t afford to offer health insurance either.

You know Honey if we did this together we could go larger – we could buy land. Several little pieces of land actually, satellite farms under assumed names like Duane ‘Moon Head’ Schmidt and Misty Meadows. Because if your father finds out about this, it will be a marital moment with aftershocks that will be felt for months.

So what do you think Honey, new business venture?

Love from your Mother, Queen B.

Happy Mother's Day - here is some 'POT'ting soil!

{Just so you all know – I’m 89% certain that she’s kidding.}

posted on May 12, 2012 in gardening, organic, queen b.