Marmot got me a vacuum for Christmas. He’s such a dear.
In other (unrelated) news, the TV is acting up again.
Merry Christmas everyone! 
Marmot got me a vacuum for Christmas. He’s such a dear.
In other (unrelated) news, the TV is acting up again.
Merry Christmas everyone!
My husband bought me a TV for Christmas. Because, I have been talking all year about a getting a TV, specifically a 46″ Sony Bravia LCD 1080p HCTV, because SEC football games are just amazing on this kind of screen. The three-stone diamond anniversary ring would just be a waste of money, what was I thinking?!
And it just so happens that Queen B. had such a TV, through her Finish the Basement project. {Note: The problem with just painting and sealing the concrete floor (so trendy) when you live in the godforsaken Arctic tundra? It makes the basement colder than the Abominable Snowman’s asscrack, and completely unlivable.} So because wearing a parka was required, the TV had been watched less than ten hours total. My Dad is on a business trip, so anything in the basement is for sale.
So my sweet darling dearest husband bought the TV. For me. With absolutely no ulterior motives whatsoever.
Our entire Christmas budget is blown, and its not even Thanksgiving yet. I was going to inflict Tit for Tat on him, one way or another. And the opportunity presented itself sooner than I thought.
This past weekend Marmot had the TV home, set up in the sunroom. He was extolling the virtues of the new TV, demonstrating with the latest SEC football game – look at the uniforms babe, the colors are freaking brilliant!- I made a realization. Our old TV was a Sony TV. And therefore, we had a Sony remote. And with the addition of the new TV? We have two Sony remotes.
So, while he is engrossed in the game, I tuck the extra remote next to me on the couch, out of his sight. The Bullfrogs throw the ball – all the idiots in football helmets start running – Marmot starts cheering!
And- blink! The TV goes off.
Marmot: What the f#$%.
Me: That was weird. Did you hit a button?
Marmot turns the TV back on. He missed the play, but they have instant replay.
Somebody in a football helmet kicks the ball. The idiots in football helmets split up and start running towards each other. Marmot is screaming the most important of football strategies to the idiots in the football helmets. The game is heating up!
And – blink! The TV goes off.
Marmot: Mother-f#$&!@r!?!!!
Me: Geez babe, this is weird. You don’t think some electrical stuff was knocked loose when you moved it do you?
A few minutes later, all the idiots in football helmets starting running across the field again. Marmot stand up to cheer the Bullfrogs on, this is it! The idiots in helmets are running faster! Its going to be the touchdown of the season!
And- blink! The TV goes off.
Marmot throws the remote into the living room, shrieking expletives, and kicks the side of the coffee table. The cat goes streaking from the room, the dogs sit up and look at him- and I stifle a smile.
Marmot picks the remote, and the battery case, and batteries from the other room and turns the TV back on. The camera is panning over the crowd, still cheering themselves hoarse over the most fantastic play of Bullfrog football history.
Me: I think something was knocked loose when you moved it babe, you should call Customer Service.
An hour and three calls to India later, he finds out the warranty is null and void because he is not Queen B. But Hi-my-name-is-Larry in India helps Marmot through an hour and a half of system resets and diagnostics.
They have it all figured out, everything should be fine. The Bullfrogs are in fine form this season, amazing plays. This is shaping up to be a GREAT football season.
Dear Girl Scouts-
First of all, I want you to know that I support the Girl Scouts 100%, absolutely. I was never a Girl Scout myself but I’m all about Girl Power, and building good character, and cookies.
About the cookies. We need to talk. See, I know that my house is on the Cookie List. With the red triangle next to the address, which according to the legend at the bottom of the page means ‘Pudgy Lady Who Loves Cookies, Easy Sell!’. But here is the deal, I’m running out of money. I’ve spent $60 on Girl Scout cookies in the last week and a half, and the doorbell keeps ringing!
And Marmot is no help at all, because you know he falls for it every time. I had him answer the door last time I saw Girl Scouts running around the neighborhood, and he came into the sunroom asking me for a $21 check for the little girl at the door. I know he’s on your list as ‘Total Softie Married to the Pudgy Lady Who Loves Cookies’.
I’m weak Girls! I’m dieting, and my resolve fails at the mere mention of Trefoils, the nutty flavor of shortbread melting in my mouth, the crunch of Thin Mints on ice cream…
So please Girls, for the love of fat pants- take me off your list.
Regretfully,
The Pudgy Lady on 6th Street
This whole Baby Bucket List has been a long process, and some days I thought that if we waited until these things were done (hell, half done) we would never have children. So now imagine my surprise at realizing, we’re just about there. And not even just about there, but we’re like in the stages of I didn’t buy wine and I’m drinking my Fertilitea because we’re that close. THAT CLOSE!
And then I think…is this really the right time, are we doing the right thing? Oh the second guessing!
But its been good for Marmot and I as a couple, we’ve not felt rushed or pressured, this has been a decision we’ve come to in our own time. We sat across the table from each other at a beautiful restaurant last week, and decided that we’re ready for this journey to begin.
Off the ice!
So we’re going to do it. We’re calling off the goalie.
Halloween was our first real holiday in the New House, and we got inaugurated with over 75 kids, $35 of candy gone in just over an hour! We also gave ourselves a great introduction to the neighborhood, with the first doorbell had Brewer crashing through the door and bolting down the street with me in hot pursuit. Nothing like barreling down the sidewalk after your idiot dog, with parents and their trick-or-treaters looking at you like wow, never seen a fat lady run that fast. Note- Brewer was not in the lobster costume yet, which I was told by a neighbor would have really added to the hilarity. I grabbed Brewer about two blocks down and hauled him back home, with Marmot (who had been in the shower) coming downstairs just in time to ask, why the hell are you sweating?
I put his non-sweaty self on candy duty...
Because we don’t have children (and because, according to Queen B, we have an inordinate amount of spending money for stupid things) we bought Halloween costumes for the dogs. Now one of the challenges of having two large dogs (88lbs and 105lbs) is that the XXL costumes from Petsmart are a little snug. But we were not disuaded by this small detail, we stuffed the dogs into them anyway. If I can stuff myself into a pair of killer shoes, the boys can suffer for an hour of costume wearing!
Brewer the Lobster...
Trying to get them to sit still for a picture!
Max the Shark
And yes, even the cat’s costume was too tight. But I’ll admit, it was on clearance at TJ Maxx for $2 (the inmate costume I really wanted was sold out) and it was actually an XS dog costume…who knew she was that fat?? I’m starting to see a pattern here…
Happy kitty!
So we decided to deliver pumpkin muffins to the neighbors from Max the Shark and Brewer the Lobster…Neighbor Bob shook his head, and told us we need to have kids already. lol
Yum!
The pumpkin muffins were a-ma-zing, its a recipe my sister Apple B. found on Allrecipes.com, the Pumpkin Bars II recipe and she just put the batter into muffin tins. Note: the tablespoons of baking soda and baking powder should actually be teaspoons. lol The awful part is that Brewer has taken up counter-surfing as a hobby, and ate about 12 of them.
Hope you all had a wonderful Halloween!
There is no better way to test a company’s customer service than by having a short-notice trip across the country. So without further ado, the Golden Cookie Awards!
The Stale Flaxseed and Prune Cookie with Anchovy Frosting Award goes to…Wells Fargo! After sneaking in a little ‘fee’ that turned out to be a program we didn’t agree to (and only reimbursing us one month, and then trying to sell us the same program at a reduced rate), Wells Fargo was really on thin ice with us anyway. The final straw was, three days prior to Marmot’s grandfather passing away, the reduction of our credit card limit from $7,000 to $1,700 leaving us with $150 of available credit. So glad we had them to rely on in case of emergency, like the sudden death of a family member! According to Wells Fargo customer service, the Obama administration is responsible for the credit limit reduction, although the ‘official letter’ said no such thing. Too many strikes Wells Fargo! After opening my first account with Wells Fargo in 1990, we’ll be banking with the local credit union from now on.
The Oreos (But No Milk) Award goes to…Hampton Inn! We reserved a room for four nights, and got to enjoy the unbelievably comfortable Hampton beds, the amazing free breakfast every morning, and the friendly staff. However, we also got to enjoy a 6hr power outage, which then resulted in no internet for the rest of our stay, a desk clerk who told my husband she had no idea when or if the internet was going to be fixed, another desk clerk that almost canceled our reservation because someone else with the same name checked in the day after we did (Marmot’s Dad), and we had to get our key cards re-activated after being locked out of our room. Twice. So it was a good pretty good stay, but not stellar.
And finally, the Sugar Cookie with Frosting and Sprinkles Award goes to…Hertz Car Rental! We called at 5pm on Tuesday for a rental to pick-up at 7pm, and the price started at $268 for a one-week rental of a compact car. She asked about corporate affiliations and memberships and we found two of them, added in another coupon she gave us for $35 off, and a free upgrade- bringing the total for a full-size car to $189 for the week. And she said she’d be praying for us to have a safe trip and blessings to the family during this sad time! And it gets even better- the guy at the rental desk gave us another free upgrade, so we got a 2010 GMC Acadia (with 4500 miles) for a week. For $189. I am officially a loyal Hertz customer.
And thank you everyone for your kind words to Marmot and I. While it was for a very sad reason, we did have a great trip to the Deep South, visiting with extended family from far-off places (or in my case, meeting them for the first time!), and reliving lots of good memories of Papaw! I read your Twitter and blog comments to Marmot on the way down, and it made us both teary. Thank you!!
Marmot and I have had ‘clean the basement’ on our massive to-do list since we moved into the house in June…but its been the type of project that seemed so mammoth, its hard to even think about starting it but once you do, the momentum picks up. So yesterday, I decided to move some things around on the shelving in the basement and seven hours later, the basement didn’t know what had hit it!
So I was working in the corner with the shelving, had the Shop-Vac and was sucking up the dust and dead bugs when I saw it. This thing:
The biggest spider known to man. And it was LOOKING AT ME!!
The following text message transcript began:
Me: I just vacuumed the biggest f-ing spider I’ve ever seen. My hands are still shaking! Holy bejeezus I need a drink. How long do I need to run the Shop-Vac until we can reasonably assume its dead?
Marmot: Might still be alive, who knows.
Me: Eff, are you serious??
Marmot: Google it.
Me: This is NOT a time to joke, when will it be dead?!
Marmot: The sucking action should have killed it, I’ll clean the Shop-Vac out when I get home. You don’t have to keep the vacuum running.
Me: Ok, the vacuum will be waiting for you. Running.
So I kept using the Shop-Vac, but didn’t turn it off until I was pretty sure that I had sucked up enough particles to pummel the spider to death. You can’t be too careful with giant spiders, and this one was mean looking.
But by the time I got done with the basement, I had sucked up seven spiders, and had stomped on at least twelve. As it went on, there was less screaming and swearing with each kill.
And Brewer stayed close, ready to bark everytime I screamed and threw the Shop-Vac hose. He’s my bud.
And the basement? Much improved, de-junked and swept and sorted and the spider population has been significantly thinned. Before and After pics coming as soon as Marmot hauls away the garbage pile. But the psychological trauma lives on, last night I had nightmares about spiders.
Anyone know of a spider-repellent I can douse the basement in??
Three years ago today, a very nervous acting Marmot came downstairs, and sat next to me on the couch where I was working on the computer.
Marmot: “Sweetie, I need to ask you something.”
Me: “Whats wrong with you, why are you being so weird? I’m working on this right now babe.”
Marmot: *pulls out ring box and scoots to the edge of the couch* “Sweetie!”
Me: “What?! Ohh!”
Marmot: *smiles at me* “I have to ask you a question.”
Me: “Ok, but aren’t you supposed to be on your knees?”
Marmot: “Seriously?” *rolls his eyes and gets on his knees* “Better?”
Me: “Yes its better, now ask me!”
Marmot: “Honey, will you marry me?”
Me: “Yes yes yes!”
And we lived happily ever after...
Marmot is losing his battle with the squirrels in the backyard….they mock his ‘squirrel-proof’ birdfeeder, and he stands in his boxers by the back door with his coffee and curses them. Its pretty funny.
So on the list of things to get once we move into the new house is a squirrel launcher, or something like a Yankee Flipper Bird Feeder
Seriously, I was laughing so hard I cackled…
And I promise more hilarity to come….there is an entire genre of baby farting videos on You Tube…lol
follow the b.