Posts Filed Under mom

QB: So, speaking of shit we shouldn’t have bought – lets talk about memberships.

HB: Or as we like to call them, Our Philanthropic Endeavors, supporting skinny people everywhere.

QB: You know me, I can’t pass up a deal. When your father started his job nine years ago, they gave discount memberships to the Healthy Living Center. Normally I wouldn’t ever admit this, but they send a yearly update as to how you’re doing. Turns out I’ve gone one time per year, for nine years running.

HB: So the tag on your car for the Healthy Living Center parking lot – thats really just for show.

QB: Well I am supportive. I go in once a year, do a lap around all the workout equipment, get a massage, and then leave.

HB: Its like the politician visiting the homeless shelter every year. Thumbs up in the air – great job everybody, keep up the good work! Nice Mom.

QB: Yeah well, how is that Y membership working out for you?

HB: Great! I go every month for cycle class, so I’m not really sure why that is relevant to this conversation.

QB: You don’t go every month, you go once a month. Once a month. Which means the one cycle class you go to a month is costing $45, per class.

HB: Interesting. Shall we calculate how much you’ve spent on Weight Watchers online memberships?

QB: My brain seizes up from lack of sugar and carbohydrates, and then I can’t remember my password.

HB: But they remember your credit card number.

QB: I’m so enthusiastic about signing up because I’m focused – on looking like Cindy Crawford – that the discount on paying ahead for 3 months online is just too good of a deal to pass up. In fact if you consider how much money I’ve saved by doing this over the years, it really adds up to a lot of money. Its hundreds, maybe even thousands.

HB: But Mom, you still weigh the same.

Random picture found on the Internet – any resemblance to my kitchen and QB’s favorite snack is totally coincidental.

QB: Actually I weigh more, but that is beside the point – tell me about Extreme Bodyshaping, dearest daughter.

HB: The grown-up-fat-lady version of the walk of shame. It was just bad timing, my first term of grad school and a high stress job.

QB: Five in the morning is always bad timing – thats not just the crack of dawn, its the buttcrack of dawn. And six days a week – really? Who does that??

HB: Well I did! For two days.

QB: Well $400 isn’t that much anyway sweetie, I’ve paid more than that for Weight Watchers styrofoam packaged as granola bars.

HB: When I was hobbling to my car after my second 5am workout, I would have paid an additional $400 just to not have to ever go again.

QB: Bummer about that return policy.

HB: Jackasses. Preying on chubby girls with an inflated sense of their own fitness. But that $400 was nothing compared to the therapy I required after the unfortunate issue of mistaken identity.

QB: What are you talking about, mistaken identity?

HB: I was just trying to make myself feel better during the warmup, I decided to pick out someone in the class that was fatter than me. Well I spotted her. She was across the room from me, already sweating like a pig and we were only five minutes into the 55 minute class. I totally felt better – until I realized she was wearing a 2008 Old Navy tshirt, same as me. And the yoga pants with green waistband, same as me. In fact she had the same nose ring too. And earrings. I realized holy frick, I was looking at myself in the mirror!

QB: Oh Honey, its ok. I’ll take you to Walmart and we can look at some really fat people.

HB: And we can pick up some cookies.

QB: Good idea, get in the car!

{And we wonder why we’re fat…}


Dear Honey,
This is your Mother speaking.

What is wrong with you?  What I mean is what is wrong with your face???? 

For goodness sake, I have never known anyone to obsess about her face and blackheads, and pores, and breakouts like you do.  I think you have beautiful skin, and I am not just saying that because you are my daughter -  you have had naturally glowing, non chemically induced, just plain gorgeous skin since the day you were born! 

Well, you did start out a little olive looking when you were a baby – that was your father’s Italian side sneaking in there – but you grew out of it.  I remember you were so dark the day we brought you home from the hospital that your grandmother asked if we had the right baby! She was concerned that there was some American Indian woman out there trying to explain a little pale-face to her husband.  After we explained that you were jaundiced and Italian and that olive green plus yellow makes brown – she calmed right down.  Your skin got lighter every year – and has now become a beautiful pale ivory – not a freckle or birthmark in sight and the envy of 86% of the women in the world.  {But Mom, 86%, how did you-} Don’t ask how, I just know!

So how did this happen that you now have a high maintenance face?! My daughter, one of those women … women with a “face care regimen”…Aughhhh! But never fear darling daughter, I have the answer to your dilemma.  A simple plan to get you out of the never ending facial products aisle and back into the real world. Here it is ——-

Morning:  Soap (whatever is on sale, do look for facial soap) – wash your face with it.
Evening:  Soap – wash your face with it. Then slather on moisturizer – go to the bottom shelf in Wal-Marts moisturizer aisle and you will find the really big bottles with the pump tops. Use the same stuff for your whole body, saves time. Ta-da! Simple, natural, organic, earth friendly, cheap, and especially easy! This was the “face care regimen” of your youth! My youth! And my Mothers youth! You get the picture.

Ahh, but, I know you – and I know that you will not be happy with just this – so I am adding a little something special for you, my high maintenance daughter, to the end of this note.

A recipe for homemade “Farmgirl Cleanser”…..
1c. Plain Yogurt
¼ t. apple cider vinegar
½ t. extra-virgin olive oil

Mix thoroughly, and smooth a handful over your face. Leave for a minute then rinse with cool water.  The mix will keep in the fridge for a week.  Makes your face feel smooth as a babies bottom!

Love from your Mother,
Queen B.

Ok, who wants to try Queen B’s Farmgirl Cleanser?? I’m scared, she waxed my eyebrows when I was 14 with her ‘homemade wax’ and I looked like I had eyebrow mange…

posted on September 30, 2010 in makeup, mom, organic, queen b.

Dear Honey-

You asked me why I became an all-organic earth mama. I will admit that my “Raisin and Granola Period” may have been a little more acute than most Mother’s go through {So Mom, you admit the 18-bean soup was a mistake?} But all Mothers go through it – and you will too. You’ll see when you start popping out little bees of your own.

I think it’s part of the birthing process – although some of us get it through the positive pregnancy test. Wham, all of a sudden you have an overactive Maternal gland! You think to yourself (because you would never say this out loud, except maybe to the perfect baby’s father …) “I have made the perfect baby – now, I will feed it the perfect food – so that he/she will grow up to be the perfect child – who will go out and turn this into a perfect world……”

“Ahh … I am Super Mother!”

Overnight you will become an obnoxious Health-food know it all – the chemical police – a sugar buster! “Nothing but 100% pure, all-natural, green, organic goo, is good enough for this little bee.” The ironic thing is this is exactly what you get out the other end of the child once it has been fed this concoction – 100% pure, all-natural, green organic goo – I mean poo!

But I digress…

The answer to your questions -”Why did you become an organic earth-mama?” Because of you Honey! The moment I felt you move inside me I knew that you deserved only the very best the world had to offer – even if it meant dealing with 100% pure all-natural green organic poo.

Love from your Mom,
Queen B.

posted on May 24, 2010 in mom, organic, queen b.

I have a strange relationship with my Mom…I know this. And if I wasn’t aware of it, all it takes is getting off the phone with my Mom and Marmot telling me, I could hear you all the way upstairs, you told your Mom she was full of shit and almond paste?? He just doesn’t get it. Neither do I honestly, but its Mom and I.

We have silly and weird and close relationship now (we can make each other giggle to the point of snorting), but Mom and I had the typical teenager vs. parent ugliness, and then a couple of years where we didn’t really talk at all. It wasn’t until I married someone a lot like my Dad that my Mom and I started to bond again. Right now I can truthfully say that my Mom is my best friend.

I know not everyone is so lucky to have that kind of relationship with their mother. But if you have that kind of relationship, or want to, here are some things that I’ve learned about being best friends with your Mom.

1) Honesty really is the best policy. I always wanted my Mom to be impressed with me, even to the point of covering up anything that I knew would disappoint her. But FYI, lying is not a good thing for a relationship and it wasn’t until I was straight with my Mom that things improved. Believe me, Mom already knows your faults, weaknesses, all the parts of your personality that are unattractive– and loves you anyway. What more could you ask for in a friend?? Honesty is what keeps the relationship authentic.

2) Be what you want to get in the relationship. Friendships can be a transient thing (I’ve realized that I’ve had many ‘best friends’ over my lifetime) but the biggest reason why friendships don’t last is because one or both parties are not getting what they want out of the friendship. How often does that happen because we’re not giving what we want to get? I want a supportive friend who can help me keep my life in perspective, give me advice when things come up (fights with Marmot, purse dilemmas), sometimes a shoulder to cry on, and someone to do fun things with. That’s what I want, so that’s what I try to be in my relationship with my Mom.

3) Mom is a person too. When it comes to our mothers, we tend to get egocentric…but Mom has dreams and goals and hobbies, outside of her kids?! I don’t know why I think its so hysterical that my Mom has non-kid hobbies and interests…her youngest is 18! But those things are what really makes my Mom a fun person to be friends with- she likes to read, scrapbook, write, and make snarky comments about skinny women…all MY interests too!! Get to know the other sides of Mom. Because you know, you’re her child…there is a decent likelihood that her interests may be yours as well!

Not every relationship is like what my Mom and I have…but these are things that don’t just apply to your relationship with Mom, but any close relationship in your life.

What is the best relationship advice you’ve ever been given…?

posted on May 17, 2010 in family, mom, queen b., relationships

From: Mom,
To: Honey,
Date: Tue, Feb 23, 2010 at 1:40 PM
Subject: The Honey B.

Honey B. — This is your Mother speaking — does that make me the “Queen B”????

A few comments on your “Shift to Thrift” as I will call it …. First of all I called your grandmother and read your post to her. We would like you to know that nobody ever died from having their Orange Juice diluted! You are exhibit A. If you can go 7 weeks instead of 6 for a haircut you can certainly stand another 8 oz. of water in your 32 oz. carton of orange juice. I will however admit that when I was filling up the carton with water at the halfway point and putting in a little food coloring that may have been going to far.

Now, what is this about transferring money from one account to another – sounds like a slight of hand game to me. Just because it is in one account or another does not make it saved! That would be like me putting the carton of eggnog in the skim milk container and calling it diet!

Lastly, cut the satellite. Call it going green – or going frugal – or going nuts. You can live with the eight basic channels that come in free – a you will love that little extra time you will have to spend with Marmot!

“Queen B” (aka Mom)

posted on February 24, 2010 in family, frugality, mom