In the theme of our (newly adopted) organic living, we would like to share with you the making of real vanilla extract. Real vanilla extract is expensive, so we have been known to purchase to the cheaper version which is imitation vanilla extract, still $4 a bottle. However, the first ingredient is water, and the second is propylene glycol – what the hell is that? The eighteenth ingredient on the list, finally (after alcohol, which was the only ingredient we recognized) was ethyl vanillin.

So we decided to make our own vanilla. If Ethyl can make vanillin, so can we! And we’ll save tons of money!!

#1 – Buy vodka. As it turns out, newly-voted-member of the mission committee at church Queen B. hunkers down next to the floorboards of the truck, while Honey purchases two fifths of their best vodka. Current savings: -$34

#2 – Buy vanilla beans. Go to Good Food Store and purchase $28 of organic vanilla beans from Madagascar, along with various all-natural supplements to assist with weight-loss, and glass bottles (no doubt organic, because they’re in the Good Food Store) to put the vanilla in. Followed by lunch special of tofu egg salad made with vegan-aise, organic hokey-pokey, dried apricots from the bulk section, and a bag of raw milk cheese curds that were eaten while shopping. Current savings: -$136

#3 – drive to Queen B’s house because she has the tools – funnels, kitchen shears, and homemade brownies – in Honey’s 13 miles-to-the-gallon truck. Stop for gas on the way. Current savings: -$170

#4 – Sample the vodka for freshness. This involves closing all the blinds so that any other members of the church mission committee don’t witness it.

The church mission committee

#5 – Bottle the vodka with 4 vanilla beans in each jar until we run out of beans. What do we do with the extra vodka?

#6 – Sample a little more vodka, to celebrate our frugality and good sense to make our own vanilla. Toast the impending ruin of the propylene glycol farmers. We could probably sell our vanilla on Etsy. Toast our future success as entrepreneurs.

#7 – After some toasts, Queen B. admits that she was known for her vodka fruit shooters in college, and would like to pass down the traditional recipe for future generations.

#8 – Out comes the blender, and the perfecting of the recipe ensues. Oh Honey we really shouldn’t let this vodka go to waste, besides, we need to drink all the evidence before your father comes home. 

#9 – First try at fruit shooters. This is good stuff, but we need more pineapple juice.

#10 – Second try at fruit shooters. This is seriously yum, next batch needs more orange juice

#11 – Third try at fruit shooters. OMG this stuff is frickin’ amazing, add more vodka!

#12 – After six tries, we have the recipe just the way Queen B. thinks she remembers it.

#13 – Dad (Left Brain) calls on his way home from work, Queen B. gets the giggles and hands the phone to Honey who tells him to pick up Chinese because we’re too drunk to get anywhere near the stove to cook. Current savings: -$212

Bonus Feature: Queen B’s Perfected Fruit Shooter beverage, circa 1977.
Quantities are a little fuzzy, but we’re sure this is very close:

• Half a can of frozen orange juice consentrate (although orange-mango or Orange-pineapple can be substituted)
• 1 fifth of vodka
• Coconut extract
• 1 can of pineapple chunks in juice
• Ice cubes
• Lots of little plastic swords
• Maraschino cherries (optional)

Pour your preferred quantities of OJ, vodka, and pineapple chunks in juice into the blender. Add a couple drops of coconut extract and ice, and blend until frothy. Stab pineapple chunks and cherries with plastic swords and add to the drink – if they land on the floor just throw them in anyway, the vodka will kill all the germs. Drink with a straw for additional effect (sucking all the vodka off the bottom).

Note – Change of business plan from Queen B. and Honey’s Etsy store – scratch selling vanilla extract, we’re going to sell frozen fruit shooter kits. This stuff is awesome!

PS – We were going to take a picture of what we did, Pinterest-style, but Queen B. wouldn’t get off the floor – she had her face plastered to the sliding glass door that had snow on the other side, trying to get rid of the gin blossoms before we took a picture, where she fell asleep.

Dear Honey,
This is your Mother speaking.

What is wrong with you?  What I mean is what is wrong with your face???? 

For goodness sake, I have never known anyone to obsess about her face and blackheads, and pores, and breakouts like you do.  I think you have beautiful skin, and I am not just saying that because you are my daughter -  you have had naturally glowing, non chemically induced, just plain gorgeous skin since the day you were born! 

Well, you did start out a little olive looking when you were a baby – that was your father’s Italian side sneaking in there – but you grew out of it.  I remember you were so dark the day we brought you home from the hospital that your grandmother asked if we had the right baby! She was concerned that there was some American Indian woman out there trying to explain a little pale-face to her husband.  After we explained that you were jaundiced and Italian and that olive green plus yellow makes brown – she calmed right down.  Your skin got lighter every year – and has now become a beautiful pale ivory – not a freckle or birthmark in sight and the envy of 86% of the women in the world.  {But Mom, 86%, how did you-} Don’t ask how, I just know!

So how did this happen that you now have a high maintenance face?! My daughter, one of those women … women with a “face care regimen”…Aughhhh! But never fear darling daughter, I have the answer to your dilemma.  A simple plan to get you out of the never ending facial products aisle and back into the real world. Here it is ——-

Morning:  Soap (whatever is on sale, do look for facial soap) – wash your face with it.
Evening:  Soap – wash your face with it. Then slather on moisturizer – go to the bottom shelf in Wal-Marts moisturizer aisle and you will find the really big bottles with the pump tops. Use the same stuff for your whole body, saves time. Ta-da! Simple, natural, organic, earth friendly, cheap, and especially easy! This was the “face care regimen” of your youth! My youth! And my Mothers youth! You get the picture.

Ahh, but, I know you – and I know that you will not be happy with just this – so I am adding a little something special for you, my high maintenance daughter, to the end of this note.

A recipe for homemade “Farmgirl Cleanser”…..
1c. Plain Yogurt
¼ t. apple cider vinegar
½ t. extra-virgin olive oil

Mix thoroughly, and smooth a handful over your face. Leave for a minute then rinse with cool water.  The mix will keep in the fridge for a week.  Makes your face feel smooth as a babies bottom!

Love from your Mother,
Queen B.

Ok, who wants to try Queen B’s Farmgirl Cleanser?? I’m scared, she waxed my eyebrows when I was 14 with her ‘homemade wax’ and I looked like I had eyebrow mange…

Dear Honey-

You asked me why I became an all-organic earth mama. I will admit that my “Raisin and Granola Period” may have been a little more acute than most Mother’s go through {So Mom, you admit the 18-bean soup was a mistake?} But all Mothers go through it – and you will too. You’ll see when you start popping out little bees of your own.

I think it’s part of the birthing process – although some of us get it through the positive pregnancy test. Wham, all of a sudden you have an overactive Maternal gland! You think to yourself (because you would never say this out loud, except maybe to the perfect baby’s father …) “I have made the perfect baby – now, I will feed it the perfect food – so that he/she will grow up to be the perfect child – who will go out and turn this into a perfect world……”

“Ahh … I am Super Mother!”

Overnight you will become an obnoxious Health-food know it all – the chemical police – a sugar buster! “Nothing but 100% pure, all-natural, green, organic goo, is good enough for this little bee.” The ironic thing is this is exactly what you get out the other end of the child once it has been fed this concoction – 100% pure, all-natural, green organic goo – I mean poo!

But I digress…

The answer to your questions -”Why did you become an organic earth-mama?” Because of you Honey! The moment I felt you move inside me I knew that you deserved only the very best the world had to offer – even if it meant dealing with 100% pure all-natural green organic poo.

Love from your Mom,
Queen B.