Posts Filed Under shopping

So here’s how it went down. I went over to a friend’s house, and she is a ‘Minimalist’. She has no crap. No piles sitting anywhere. No doors that are closed, blocking off rooms that should not be seen. Nothing. She also doesn’t believe in ‘consuming’, because its not green to consume vast quantities of say, kitchen gadgets, whose production puts toxins into the environment and enslaves small children in China. And she says the packaging alone is an environmental travesty. But I digress – I got home and immediately called Queen B. and told her to come over, I need therapy because I just discovered that I’ve destroyed a rainforest by being a total consumerism-whore.

QB:  Oh Honey let me make you feel better about yourself. Everybody does this, we all have shit we shouldn’t have bought.

Let me tell you about the shower head. As a result of drinking a margarita the size of a fish bowl, I got totally plowed and your sister Nelly had to drive me home – she had to stop at Walmart, so while we were there I bought a banana cream pie and a massaging shower head. Your Dad installed it while I was sleeping off the margarita, and the next morning my hungover self decided to take a shower. It turns out it was a power pulse shower head, and it started beating me in the head. I fought it off the best I could, using the giant bottle of conditioner as a shield, but I didn’t have my glasses on and couldn’t see the dial. I ended up crying in the corner of the shower and your father had to rescue me.

HB: Well apparently its hereditary. I bought a juicer and $80 worth of organic vegetables. I came home and took it out of the box, turned the vegetables into an $80 glass of green slime that looked like science fiction leaking out of the bottom of the juicer, and tasted like a cigarette butt. I added a pound of fresh fruit and 4 pounds of non-organic white sugar, the result was so repulsive that I boxed up the leaking piece of shit juicer up and dropped it into the trash. Unfortunately the story didn’t end there, I poured the congealed green slime down the drain and clogged the kitchen plumbing. The plumber was not prepared when he unclogged it, it let loose and the kitchen looked like a scene from the Exorcist.

QB: There was the time I bought the waffle iron because it was on sale, and who doesn’t love waffles. I was so excited about it, I made a giant bowl of waffle batter. The first waffle cooks up like a dream, golden and delicious. I tell your Dad that I am a waffle genius and this is what we’re having for dinner for the next month. Waffle #2 was fabulous, and waffle #3 to die for. Unfortunately, somewhere between waffles # 11 and 12, I forget to spray the waffle iron with Pam. Waffle #13 (not a lucky waffle) gets stuck to the waffle iron and ripped in half, some on the top and some on the bottom. I immediately take a butter knife and start hacking away like a prospector, which extricates some of the waffle from the top but takes a large portion of the non-stick lining as well. In the meantime the bottom part of the waffle has started to smoke, and the smoke detector alerted your father who came into the kitchen to fan the smoke detector with a paper plate, and started screaming at me to unplug the damn waffle iron. The last straw was the spark that flew out of the side where apparently a tiny amount of wet waffle batter makes the whole thing unusable. I marched out onto the deck with the smoking sparking piece of shit and threw it in the yard. I hate waffles.

HB: Yoga clothing. I think we’ve said enough about that already.

QB: There was the Ab Shaker. I was using it in front of the bathroom mirror to watch my biceps develop before my eyes, but the momentum got away from me and I smashed the bathroom mirror. I think that counts as two – one for the Ab Shaker which went directly to the trash, and the other for the mirror which took a half hour to sweep up and $30 to replace.

HB: I bought that electric staple gun for my upholstery project. I plugged it in and realized it had some sort of trigger malfunction and went off like a machine gun. Thankfully the damage was minimal, the ceiling had a few holes and I always hated those mini blinds anyway.

QB: And lets not forget the time that I went to Macy’s when I decided I was going ‘sporty’, and bought $300 worth of Columbia cargo pants and Merrells sandals with 83 straps on each foot. Do you think a woman that weighs over 200lbs can be sporty?

HB: Oh Mom. Only if you’re a competitive eater or sumo wrestler. But in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that I’ve been getting Shape magazine for two years. It was from one of those door-to-door salespeople who tell you that you buying a subscription is the only thing standing between them and a life of crime. Since getting Shape magazine, I have gained 40lbs and my exercise consists mostly of my monthly sprint to the mailbox to get the magazine and hide it from Marmot and the cleaning lady.

QB: Every time we go to the As-Is department at Ikea, we buy shit that we not only don’t need, but is already broken – or will be by the time we smash it into the back of the car or drag it across the cement driveway and up the steps into the house. We might as well walk it straight through the house and out the back into the dumpster, or better yet just pitch it out the window into the ditch on the way home.

HB: Thanks Mom, I no longer feel like a consumerism whore, I’m just the daughter of one.

QB: No problem. Want to go shopping?

posted on June 23, 2012 in queen b., shopping, whatever

So – we went to Bath and Body Works. Or Bed Bath and Body Beyond as Queen B. calls it. Sometimes Bath and Potty Works. But I digress.

We went on a mission – a candle that will mask dog farts for my office, and a mini-hand lotion for Queen B’s purse. Heavy duty hand lotion because we live in the Godforsaken Arctic Tundra – no concern about greasy after-effect here, she would like something with the consistency of lard, and a better smell so that the dog quits licking her hands.

(She said she ran out of lotion two weeks ago, and I am sorry to report that I believe she’s using butter-flavored Crisco).

(I know this because she’s gone the Crisco route before. She read somewhere that it was good for cracked heels so she put it on her feet and then put wool socks on before bed. As the story goes, Dad put his back out by vaulting over the footboard into bed after seeing the can of Crisco on her nightstand.)

But I digress. Back to Bed Bath and Beyonce. After about five minutes of candle sniffing, we were high as kites and headed towards the back to look for lotion.

Standing shoulder to shoulder in front of a shelf of Brown Sugar and Vanilla scented lotions, Queen B. gives the tester a hearty pump and ends up with an overly generous pile of runny lotion in her hand.

QB: Oh gross, its watery – stick your hand out, I don’t want this much.

HB: <hands behind back> Hell no, I hate that scent. And it looks like semen.

QB: What are you, two? Give me your hands, I’ve got too much lotion! It smells great, nothing like semen.

HB: Omg Mom, have you smelled semen?? Wait – don’t answer that.

 

During this exchange, my mother is standing with a handful of lotion in one hand, the tester in another, and her purse hanging on her elbow. (And her new red parka which is another post that will be forthcoming, dedicated to Godforsaken Arctic Tundra Fashion Don’ts.)

QB: This is a different smell, its one you like.

HB: You don’t know what scents I like!

Queen B. then lifts her hand to her face to smell the lotion, no doubt in a mothering-reflex where you pretend to enjoy something so that your child will like it. Unfortunately she stuck her nose IN the lotion.

QB: Get over here. Get it off me! I have semen on my nose, get it off me! Get help, get a Kleenex!

So I run over to the sink and grab a paper towel, and being the helpful daughter that I am, I do a quick downward maneuver to get the semen lotion off my mother’s nose. However, I temporarily forgot that the anatomy below your nose is your mouth and rubbed the lotion across her mouth. And because the lotion did kind of smell like vanilla, she reflexively stuck her tongue out and licked her lips.

QB: Ahhh – ged it eff! Ah gad themen on my wips!

Being the helpful daughter I am, I immediately bent over laughing. (Side note – beans are cheap, and organic.) The unfortunate reaction to bending over was a change in intra-abdominal pressure and an accidental discharge of 100% organic gas.

Queen B. hears the discharge and starts to laugh, because the accidental discharge was unfortunately aimed directly at the unsuspecting teeny bopper in the Bath and Booby Works apron who had come to assist.

Queen B’s snort also resulted in more lotion up her nose, and she starts to gag.

Teeny Boobs: Can I help you find anything?

HB: <eyes averted> No thanks, we’re good!

I grabbed my mother’s arm and dragged her out of the store – we recovered with two coffees and scone. We’ve never liked that stupid store – who names a store Beyond Bath Works anyway?

posted on February 12, 2012 in queen b., shopping

Honey, I’m not shopping with you anymore if you are going to spend all your time in the Maternity section! I know, I know, you are just looking – browsing – dreaming – whatever. Just say “No” to Maternity clothes
Honey, till you are really pregnant. Listen and learn little B – I have done this and it is not wise – here’s why…..

Stepping into the maternity department for the first time is a heady thing – the emotion is overwhelming – the excitement electric. Woman shopping without supportive knowledgeable Mothers really should take a
support group with them. Many good women have done without this, and as a result, have had to become be big sellers on e-bay.

It was 1980 and I took my skinny, firm, young, pre-pregnant, un-stretch-marked, better than I ever appreciated body into my first Maternity store. The clothes were darling – I had baby fever – and it
was payday. I wore a size twelve, but they seemed to run big, so I went to the 10′s. Forget anything stretchy or loose – I preferred the tailored or fitted styles – better to show off my soon to be cute little pregnant figure I thought. So out I went, with two bags of oh-so-cute maternity wear, and not a pregnancy in sight. But they were on sale, and we may not have been trying, but we were at least practicing regularly.

One year passes and I am finally pregnant! Yipee Skippee!!! Lets get out the adorable clothes and start to wear them. I put them on and wore them immediately – they fit up until just about week three – and then it
happened – BOOM!! The Pregnancy Swell (yes this is the medical term) {I think you made that up, I’m asking Dad}. I didn’t know this then but everything swells when you’re pregnant. Really, even my lips swelled up – I looked like Angelina Jolie when I was pregnant with you – in the lip area anyway. The rest of me looked more like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I was expecting to get the cute little swollen tummy instead – BAM! – my upper arms swelled up like the Incredible Hulk. My cheeks looked like they were stuffed full of Twinkies – well that did happen more that I would like to admit. Even my feet even got larger – before pregnancy I wore an 8 1/2 shoe – after 9 1/2!

Your father (Dr. Left Brain) says that we have a lot more blood and fluids swimming around in us when we are pregnant which is what gives us that plump, pretty, pink appearance. All that to say – My maternity clothes didn’t fit past the first trimester – and I eventually had to pass them on to a formerly petite friend who was suffering with a severe case of the pregnancy swell herself.

Motherly Advice #134: Don’t buy Maternity clothes till you are at least 4 months along and swelling showing. And when you do shop- you should bring me along so I can remind of the two words that are crucial to remember - Knitwear and Spandex!

Love from your Mother,
Queen B.

posted on April 23, 2010 in maternity, queen b., shopping

I won an awesome giveaway a few months ago from CSN Stores, and was SO impressed- a whole set of drinkware! So imagine my flabbergastery {is that a word?} when I was contacted by CSN Stores to do a giveaway…{omg, am I a BIG blogger now?! lol} and one of the mentioned items was shoes….they have a whole site devoted to shoes! Of course its shoes among many other things like Le Creuset cookware {drool}, kids beds {someday!}, and…well, they have 200+ stores, if you can’t find something, I’m just ashamed to be associated with you… ;-)

And in honor of summer, the awesome CSN Stores giveaway? Summer flip-flops of course! What better way to start off the summer, and what better excuse to get a pedicure??

Lots of ways to enter, please leave a comment for each entry!

*Be a follower on Google Friend Connect for one entry!

*Sign up for my blog via email with Feedburner for one entry! Must confirm subscription via email.

*Follow me on Twitter, @thehoneyb for one entry!

*Tweet the following for one entry! Please link to Twitter status in your comment, can Tweet daily!
Flip-Floppin Into Summer #giveaway from @thehoneyb http://bit.ly/bgwJy5 Please RT!

*Join Swagbucks through referral link by clicking here: Swagbucks for five entries!

*Grab my blog button, over there —> for one entry! Please leave a link to the button location!

*Blog about my giveaway with a link back to it, for five entries!

This giveaway will be open until Midnight (CST) on April 9th, 2010 The winner will be chosen by Random.org - Thank you for participating, good luck!

***Disclaimer: I was contacted about the provision of a product for giveaway to my amazing readers, I did not receive any compensation for this giveaway! ***

posted on April 1, 2010 in giveaway, shoes, shopping

Little background. I love Woot.com First things, do you all follow Woot? If you don’t, you need to stop what you’re doing and look right now. And Kids.Woot, and Wine.Woot, and Shirt.Woot.

Ok, now that you’re back. Woot is this wonderful site that provides the Woot deal of the day, something amazing, often electronic things, and always cheap. The Woot deal of the day is available until its sold out, and then there is a new one at midnight. Shipping is $5 on anything. Same for the Kids.Woot, Wine.Woot, and Shirt.Woot.

I am currently wearing the Shirt.Woot from Saturday, which is Smorse Code.

Sorry for the bad picture, but trust me that the shirt is awesome.

The best part is the Woot Off, where they have deals that are listed until Sold Out, and then they list a new one! Phenomenal deals, and I will admit that I have sat and just hit refresh over and over again during a Woot Off.

Now I like flipping things. As in buying something for cheap, and selling it for more. I attempted it with baby clothes from the Carter’s Outlet. I use the word ‘did’ loosely, because somehow that didn’t work out and so they’re all in my Top Secret Baby Tote. But my all time best flip was an entire set of Pottery Barn nursery bedding that I bought for $25 at a garage sale, and sold on eBay for $150.

But I digress.

Today was Woot Off. I was perusing the deals (obsessively clicking refresh) and came across something cool: a Peg Perego stroller. Consistently getting high ratings on Amazon, the particular style that was on Woot was retailing for, I kid you not, $699. How much was it on Woot? $149 with $5 shipping. I flipped. I called Marmot.

Me: Babe, we need to buy this stroller. I’m going to sell it on eBay and we can make like $500!
Marmot: We don’t need a stroller.
Me: Not for us! To sell!
Marmot: We don’t have the money to be buying baby stuff.
Me: NOoo! To SELL!
Marmot: You’ve done that before, and all the baby crap is in that tote you think I don’t know about!
Me: Babe I’m serious!! $500!!
Marmot: Yep, that was a great idea with the baby clothes. $100 of baby clothes for eBay my ass.
Me: I know, but this one is totally for real, I will actually sell these!
Marmot: And how many baby items did you sell?? Well let’s see…oh right, none. Whoops!
Me: $500!! Do you want $500!?! I’ll let you spend it on Marmot gear!!

And while we’re on the phone discussing….it sells out. It SELLS out. It SELLS the F*** out!! I was so mad I hung up on him.

I had to call JuneBug to be reminded why I don’t want to kill him, and that yes, next time I’m not asking him and just going ahead and maxing out the credit card. I felt better, but still didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day.

Soo….anyone need some Carter’s baby clothes? I know someone.

posted on December 8, 2009 in shopping